Monday, December 8, 2014

You have a tattoo? Whats the meaning?

Saturday night I finally went out. In our modern main stream non-conformists age, I have discovered the newest bonding lines. "oh you have a tattoo? Whats its meaning? oh WOW, you have THREE?! where else?' Insert creepy grin, and a finger slide up the arm. 

Don't get me wrong I love tattoo's-the culture, the intimate experience of finding a talented artist. finding new and creative ways to display my coolness. In fact I'm so obsessed with tattooing, that I became friends with my artist to blatantly abuse her skills a midst Tim Horton's coffee and giggles. in fact she has a freaking awesome deal here. Make sure to give her a happy birthday, and tell her I sent you. 

Fast forward a couple hours, and I make a journey into the ladies room. There are two ladies, in various states of undress explaining the various meanings of their work. no word to a lie here is the conversation I heard

"no, listen, just listen, no. Listen This one-are you listening? This one means, FAMILY, in my heritage this means FAMILY. I'm polish so I know, my grandfather told me." (please note, I'm sure she meant of Polish decent, as I can assure you there was no accent.)
"omg thats, thats, just-so-yea, you're DEEP. I mean who loves FAMILY that much? You and I love you for it girl." Starts sniffing a bit. "I really you know love that you wear yourself on your arms, this one is for my ex husband-he cheated on me (couldn't hear the rest so I'm taking creative liberty) With my half sister, who just got out of rehab, she's fat and has (here's where I could hear again after my tinkling porcelain  chores) NO TATTOOS. I MEAN I WAS SO GENUINE WITH HIM" 

This is where I decide to step in, as a good friend, and fellow woman-to fuck with them.
Me-"oh hey love the ink" 
This is where she re-did oh hey, listen.
Now this time through this I made a horrified face, made sure she saw it and then said "Yes OF COURSE, it means family. Good for you sweety." And I start to walk away. 
Girl 2-"WAIT, whats that face for, she's being genuine"
Me-"Well I speak polish (I don't) and it says Chicken face, I'm so sorry but I think your grand dad was messing with you." 
"no, no way. OMG no, I think you're right" insert panicked sobs here. This is where my toilet phone magic happened. So I pull out my phone. And show her the fucked up screen shot of google translate, making sure to have CHICKEN FACE, zoomed in on, Any sober person would have IMMEDIATELY would have noticed, the two words don't even look remotely alike, but alas she was half a sheet away from falling over. This is where I hugged her and walked away. 

Remember ladies and gents, for every intense personal reason for your tattoo-just like in the rest of life, there's someone willing to fuck with your feelings in the ladies room, after a potty break. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I have some exciting SCENTSY NEWS!

HA, made you look.

I have so many friends, family, and acquaintances that sell this product. Now don't get me wrong, I to love the damn stuff. I'm addicted to how I can change the scent of my home to match my mood. All with a 15 minute procedure of dumping, and wiping out the wax, while trying not to burn your fingers. Love the stuff.

Around this time of year, or any big season change, I see recipes to mix an match your scents. Back to the mood setting thing-We all know how my moods are so here's a recipe selection and blurb that I feel all will love. I've used some spring/summer scents because its what I have on hand...

I hereby give scentsy permission to rock this awesomeness...I'll take free crap.

Cozy fireside+Winter pine: this is how I imagine my house would smell if those 50 year old lights finally caught fire. I'm calling it Break in Gone Wrong 

Two Harbors: I bought this, because when you glance at the name just right it looks like two hobos, and it kind of smells like it :/

Two Harbors Hobos+Rio Beach:  This is what snooki smells like, I can tell through my computer.

Silver Bells + Salted Caramel Cupcake + Route 66: This is what I imagine is the smell of my lady porn, while I'm eating cupcakes in hiding. Silver Balls, and a dirty dude leaving when we're done with him. yes WE ARE DONE WITH HIM. I call it, Workin it up the ladder.

Simply Nenshi Pear + Zen Garden: This is what I imagine Mayor Nenshi of Calgary smells like. slightly fruity, but calming at the same time. I vote we call this Nenshi Niceties. 

Eskimo Kiss + Autumn Blaze Maple: to all my American friends, this is what having sex in Canada smells like. Frozen glitter and Maple syrup. This shall be dubbed All the way in Canada

My dear Watson + Vanilla Suede: The ultimate in hipster man. The mix of another man, and yet a third participant. All combined with the stench of unwashed organic vegan mermaid wool. This is just call Meh.

Simply Cinnamon + Atlas Cedar + Iced Pine: This is jumping on the flannel bearded sexiness that is lumber-sexual. mmmm Lumber-Sent-Sual.

My Dear Watson + Simply Vanilla:  This is hipster dahva. (Not diva, this chick is more natural and less demanding of glitter-but her sustainability requests makes you wonder what "sun tea" really is) She matches her hipster man, but the only difference is instead of vegan mermaid wool. Its mixed with the scent of old Victorian taxidermy pieces found in flea markets. this is Eau Meh.

Frosted Ginger Cookie + White Tea & Cactus: This is what middle class moms smell like, With their lattes, and yoga pants. The white Tea & Cactus reminds us she pays to much money for freeze dried food, and wine. Where the Cookie reminds of of the stash behind the toilet. MMM toilet cookies-hey no shame ladies, I eat cupcakes on the crapper...This is WannaMILF?

Neverland + Happy Birthday: This is what Michael Jackson AND Peter Pans house smells like, Lure them in with promises of cake. Sweet Sweet Cake. May I introduce Suppression.  I'm also considering Did she really just post that garbage? 

All of "scentsy man" + A wink and a smile: This is a mix of poor decisions and high heels. I'm calling this Walk of Shame.  Please note, burn WannaMILF? in another room to receive the full effect of developed world mommy hood.

I think this is enough to get us started here are a couple links to awesome consultants.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Guess who's BACK. And covered in eye goop

Guess who FINALLY has a new lap top-which means easier access to post her ranting's, and loving's on the internet for all to enjoy? YUP this chick-RIGHT HERE!!!

So how to bring forth my awesome back in style? Oh I know! A tale of an urgent care visit. No not the child you're thinking of either-Felix.

My poor little dude woke up with a disgusting pussy eye, swollen shut. Off to Urgent care we go, the doctor sees him, and diagnoses a blocked infected tear duct. This is where things get weird. The doctor looks at me and says-

"Now don't be embarrassed, these things happen, sometimes for no reason"
"uh I'm not embarrassed or worried about it."
"well sometimes we need to call social services about infections"
"wait what?"
"He'll be fine, I'm just saying it happens and we don't know why"
"He's two and half and picks his ass and nose before cuddling the dog-do you think that could cause an infection?'
"Mrs. Smith do you mind waiting for a minute?"
"Well I did have an appointment with MY butt picker, but I can push it back" (get it PUSH IT BACK?!)

For some reason he sent me on my way rather quickly after that-like I was odd or something.

Seriously-doctors today.

Friday, September 5, 2014

My Ode to Elizabeth Margaret Ruth

Do you know who that name even belongs to? That beautiful, classic, graceful name, full of influence, and promise of great things in the future. A little girl that was so tiny, and so very sick for the first year of her life. I remember holding her in the children's hospital, at four months old. and she wasn't even her birth weight. Knowing, in a mother's instinctual way, if we didn't get help-she was dying.

That was then, and now she's so awesome, she's been attached to a certain type of behaviour and mannerism. A word was created-I didn't even come up with it! You wonder people refer to it-as a Beth-Ism.

So here is my ode, to the magical Bitty Beth-well that's what I used to call her-now we just call her REALLY?!

Beth cut her finger today, and she was sitting on the floor, letting a kitten lick the wound. "BETH! That's gross, what on earth are you doing?"
"Giving her a taste for human blood momma."
Seriously? the heck?

26 June ·
"Hey mom. For four chocolate covered raisins I will make sure Finlay won't fall of the floor. For 8 I'll get the wipes. For 10 I'll even throw it out for you. It's a heck of a deal mommy"-Beth
shouldn't have seen Frozen. Beth has declared her heart is frozen, and refuses to go to bed until we find true love to fix it. So she picks up a bear paw cookie. "I found it! I found it mommy! if I eat it it will work!"
Beth is wandering around going 'step one, two three. CHA CHA CHA' Then finishes it off with a butt wiggle and sticking her hip out...
You may be hardcore-but you'll never be Beth defending her sandcastle building hard core...
My kid is the gollum of the frigging iPad. Its charging on the end table, Felix goes to it "mommy?" Beth Pops out from underneath like a villian "Don't you DARE EVER TOUCH MY PRECIOUS IPAD" and with out blinking, or loosing eye contact slides under the table muttering "don't you ever dare..."
A Beth-ism.....
"Lisa, I cannot smile, my smiles have gone missing."
— with Courtney Smith
No word to a lie, my two year old daughter just walked up to me. Pulled up my shirt, licked my belly and said "Yup baby tastes done" and walked away. Toddlers are gross and weird lol.
Beth is sitting up with me (We both napped five hours today) She looks down, sees my tummy moving and yells "holy crap mommy! Its broken!!!"
Reason 702 to wipe down the lips of the bottles you buy at grocery stores: My toddler licked approx. 15-20 Heinz Ketchup bottles before we caught on to what "mmm so good" meant.

This is just a small piece of what she provides me with. She's super cuddly, and smart. Not to mention potty trained-which TOTALLY ups her I love you factor. She also starts preschool on Monday. My mommy tears are flowing for the big girl she's turning into.  How the HECK did I get so lucky?! She may not be a dignitary, or she might be. She might be a comedian, or not. She might cure cancer, or not. I think that's what's so exciting about her-she leaves you guessing!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Mouse Trap-Mother f-ing, comando version 2014

I have a problem, it involves many legs, sneaky snack attacks, and it shits in odd places-and no I'm not pregnant again.

Let me start at the beginning, I came home from a well deserved awesome trip of amazing proportions, and my hubby had pulled out the bins and bags from the van. I noticed something MOVING. it was a cute little field mouse. Now, remember we back out into grassy vastness that is Alberta prairie. So it wasn't unreasonable it had climbed in when they sat out side for an hour or so. so we rehome the shit and carry on.

My trampy kitty, had kittens, and the biggest one is all black, and honestly hes kind of a jack-ass, which is why we call him Jack. We have about a two inch random space at the base of my gas stove, and he has been presiding over it like Gollum of the gas line. I truly believed the little jerk was getting high on my natural gas. Lets be honest, stranger things have happened. Fast forward a few days, and I hear my husband yelp and jump back. THAT MOUSE WAS IN THE DISHES AND HE WENT BEHIND THE STOVE.

With out missing a beat he's in there like marine on a seek and destroy mission. Pulling out the stove with big plans of tracking the little jerk. Lo and Behold, he's been here awhile-trust me it wasn't pretty. So here I am at nearly midnight, bleaching the hell out of my house, and hoping for the best.

I've posted asking for tips on getting rid of these furry minions of doom. Fearful people would judge me over the internet. However the tips I received were great-with everything from zest soap, to snap traps, to just setting my place on fire. I'm trying them all-well except the arson.  If the zest works, I'm buying out the company I swear.

Do you think my kids would freak if mommy went in and cleaned out their room while they slept?

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I didnt realize i was a feminist...

It has been a rather long time since my last post-my kids toasted my lap top. by dumping milk on it. So I'm using my husbands computer, and since the kids try to break HIS key board, things like apostrophe, quotes, and other such necessary things don't work...YAY!

Any way there was a recent shooting in California, where a young man posted a video on you tube, threatening to ~kill those blond bitches~ that wouldn't have sex with him. You can read the story here. Not surprisingly I have seen different posts in regards to the shooting, his mental capacity, if only he had been paid attention to. And how people are speaking out on social media, feeling sorry for him. Laci Green has a fantastic video on the topic of sexual entitlement with men-and some women.

Also in the not so distant pass, over 200 Nigerian girls were taken. Specifically from a Christian school, to be wed, or sold into the sex trade. Already updates, are fewer and fewer. The social media fueled fever cooling for the newest cause. I know you're already tired of me hounding on old news, but I promise there is a point.

These are all cases of people feeling entitled to the sexuality of women. A lean towards a belief where sure you can choose only SOME things, but not all, and only with my permission. These are the actions of men trying to gain control of women, and their actions. The idea, that a woman who doesn't submit is a danger, and not worth keeping around.

This is so engrained into our cultural subconscious it took theses articles and happenings to come to my attention to realize its even with in easy view of my seven year old. She recently asked where babies come from, not where but the HOW. the nuts and bolts, so I told her. Using proper words, and no sugar coating. There she sat beside me making faces, and looking like she was going to vomit. she asks me:

~Mom, I don't HAVE to do that right?
~No sweetie you don't.
~but what if my husband wants me to?
~you really don't have to do anything you don't want to honey. Even if you're married, and love them
~but I have to, to keep him happy right? do what he says?
~Honey, your vagina, is YOUR vagina, as is your whole entire body. you don't ever have to share that with anyone. Who ever TELLS you, that you HAVE to is wrong. and you don't want to be with a person who cant listen to that any way.
~oh thank god!

So even at 7.5 the idea that she has to provide for her man (or woman) is so engrained into her, she understood the concept before sex-ed. When I asked her what made her think that, she went on about the TV shows, movies, and commercials she sees. She wants to be pretty and loved like those women.

This is so prevalent, that a child-my child understands, that what a man (or woman) provides, she is required to pay. some how. This worries me, what if one day she decides that her father and I were wrong and there is only one way? She is already going to be facing enough hurdles in her life because of her gender. Things like unrealistic body issues, gender equality in the work place, sexual harassment. She's blessed in where she lives, she doesn't need to worry about me selling her for pennies. I believe we need more women for women-not just the mommy wars, but the chance for every girl to become a woman and MAKE the choices she has a right to. Including, to have children or not, breast feed, work, not work, practice her religion, go to school, or not.

The idea that these choices are being denied, simply because of gender infuriates me. Or the thought of you can choose if you pay me some how. So that's why I am a feminist-the right to choose. I'm not a man hater-if I was I wouldn't have four kids.  You never know where the next big idea, solution, or cure will come from, and people are willingly disregarding an entire gender. Our battle isn't over yet ladies...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Stupid Bread Box

Oh what is this bread box for?
When all the bread, is on the table. Pushed aside-to and fro.
What the fuck is this bread box for?

Why have a cutlery drawer?
When the toddler throws it all on the floor

The baby is crying
Because I have breasts,
And all he wants is to be glued to my chest

Breakfast food for dinner
Our special treat.
3 plates, 3 waffles, 6 bacon, 3 sausage link
3 milk, then on to my cold plate
No bacon left.
The last sausage looks like a penis

HA, penis. No adult to laugh with me.
My daughter thinks I'm fucking crazy.

Tripping on toys
Might break my face
I'll look far less tired
than now with mascara streaked cheeks. (no bacon, and a newly broken face remember?)
What the fuck is the toy box for?

Marker, marker every where,
On the couch, the wall and somehow-in her hair.

No place for me to sit
3 loaves of bread are in my way
Oh what the fuck was that bread box for anyway?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Shit Happens...

So I went on a mall mission with a friend today. I was a woman on a mission. Determined in my destination. The mall is a ten minute drive-door to door. So its really not that far off-unless you have a baby. After the mission was accomplished, Mr. Man decides he needs to be fed NOW. So off to the coffee shop we go, I grab an iced coffee with a muffin, sit down and whip out a boob. Good thing he's so noisy when he drinks-or I'd be worried we WOULDN'T be noticed.

Grunt, cough, strain, groan PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTPPPPPTTTT. (Thats internet speak for massive baby fart). Sigh, and he keeps going. I bring him up for a burping. He's cooing, looking around, and has decided to make up for his VERY loud declaration of hunger earlier.

Just then-PFFFFFFTTTPPPPPPTTTSSSSSPPPPPPPTTT. But this time-its different, its creeping up his back, in plain sight. Up high enough for me to realize-I've left the diaper bag in the van. With the diapers and means for cleaning him up. I look down and see a mark on my hand, while chatting away, I with all the confidence of a fourth time mom-lick my hand.

My friend jokingly says "Be careful what you lick there with that mess of his!"
I reply "Oh its just ice coffee." But here's the thing I'm not 100% confident it was. In fact, I'm now trying to bullshit my way through eating shit. I go on, buy him a sleeper and some diapers. Change him, and come home.

So remember shit happens, all the way up to your hair some times. And sometimes all you can do, is go through life with a shit eating grin.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Conversations with my Family-And the hunch no one takes me seriously

This morning, getting Keke ready for school. Bugging her about something small and insignificant. 

Keeley: you're the only one who thinks you're funny mom. 
Me: I agree. Everyone else thinks I'm HILARIOUS.
Keeley: isn't that the same thing? A lie?

Trying to run myself a "relaxing" bath, hours after Beth is SUPPOSED to be in bed...

Elizabeth: Mommy why you have a bath, is your butt stinky?
me: Yup stinky butt, get out of the bathroom
E: Mommy do you use lots of soap on your stinky butt?
m: Lots, get out. 
E: Mommy is Fimlee (Finlay) still in your belly? Is that why its round? Did they cut Fimlee out with scissors?
M: No he's in the living room, and No, mommy pushed him out of her vagina. NEIL (hubby) COME GET YOUR DAUGHTER

I'm now IN the tub, with out an Elizabeth commentary.

Neil: Here's your tea.
Me: Thank you, I'm so lucky to have you
Neil: Yes, you are.
Me: Excuse you? don't I get a subtle demure, an act of humble, a surprise of your apparent awesome
Neil: No, have you seen my package? There's no need for airs.

And this friends is why I'm every so slightly off...look at what I participate in. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Still want a Toddler one day?

Setting the scene: Quiet toddlers (warning sign number one). Hubby and I watching TV, and surfing our perspective internet sites.

Beth: Boy I like building sand castles
Daddy: (Neither of us looking up )Oh yea? You like sandcastles eh?
Beth: yup, so squishy, I like the wet bits
Daddy: (still not looking up) So fun isn't it? Wait-what wet bits?
Beth: mmm its Crunchy.

Daddy advances on the little lady, she backs up-and lets out a blood curdling scream. 

I'm laughing so hard, I'm of absolutely no use to any one-ever.

Monday, January 13, 2014

We all need prayers.

I'm part of a due date/mommy Facebook group. I found the link through an on-line baby website. I don't know all of these women who share so much, so far apart. However, they have become an integral part of my support system. Typed words of encouragement or reality that help me through my day.

This global support system is a prime example of the positives of social networking. Any bullying or drama promptly squashed energizing and breathing life into a supportive, loving space. Even if only through wifi.

Some of these women need our prayers and support. So I'm reaching out to my friends and family, to widen the net of thoughts, hope, and strength.

One woman, shortly after Christmas, in her home in Australia. Her partner lost his battle with depression and took his own life. She found him in their shed. She and the daughter left behind need so much more than we know. I hope and pray he found his happiness, and I hope he's in a better position to watch over them.

Yesterday, another wonderful lady. Lost her son Enrique to heart failure. He was only a few months old. The heart breaking sorrow of loosing a child has touched her life. She also needs everyone. Even if she can't say it.

These women have helped me find my blessing and strength. We need your help please.

Thank you internet family and friends, for all you do.

Doin' it All backwards.

My wonderful husband hooked me up with a set of three books. Compilations of humorous mommy blog posts. I LOVE them. They make me laugh, so damn hard. And give me hope for the future. I've noticed some things all these people seem to have in common.

  • They're all writers by profession-I don't even have time to take a crap much less go to school. So I'll never be the "professional blogger." 
  • They are in their late thirties, to early forties. Now I don't know what it says about me, to relate to someone who is at a minimum 10 years older than me. I like to think its because I'm eternally wise beyond my years. Or perhaps an old soul come to spread my ever bubbly and brilliant personality and wisdom. 
  • I'm no where near as funny as I think I am. There's nothing like well established blogs with thousands of likes to come to that soul crushing realization. 
  • They are FAR more capable of navigating inter-web space. I can't make my own meme to save my life. I JUST figured out you can receive private messages on twitter. Who am I kidding, I just figured out how to "follow" people on twitter. 

So I figured it out, I forgot to live my twenties full of dreams, and hopes for my future self, and gorgeous children. I haven't paid my dues so to speak. I just spread 'em and pop 'em out like pez. I figure you find a talent and you stick with it. I'm doin' it all backwards. Babies first. Education, savings, dumb purchases later.

I'll be honest I don't WANT to pay any dues, I want to be funny and popular NOW. I wish for all the awesome and fun to be handed to me with grand fanfare. A parade will do-maybe two. With a case of wine, and everyone laughing at my jokes, emulating my style. One day, I'll get there. Just you wait and see.

In the mean time here is a list of blogs I enjoy.

Baby Sideburns
Mom's Who Drink and Swear
People I want To Punch in the Throat
and finally-Sleep Talkin Man

Jeeze is any one surprised I enjoy these with main titles as such?

Have fun reading friends!