Friday, September 5, 2014

My Ode to Elizabeth Margaret Ruth

Do you know who that name even belongs to? That beautiful, classic, graceful name, full of influence, and promise of great things in the future. A little girl that was so tiny, and so very sick for the first year of her life. I remember holding her in the children's hospital, at four months old. and she wasn't even her birth weight. Knowing, in a mother's instinctual way, if we didn't get help-she was dying.

That was then, and now she's so awesome, she's been attached to a certain type of behaviour and mannerism. A word was created-I didn't even come up with it! You wonder people refer to it-as a Beth-Ism.

So here is my ode, to the magical Bitty Beth-well that's what I used to call her-now we just call her REALLY?!

Beth cut her finger today, and she was sitting on the floor, letting a kitten lick the wound. "BETH! That's gross, what on earth are you doing?"
"Giving her a taste for human blood momma."
Seriously? the heck?

26 June ·
"Hey mom. For four chocolate covered raisins I will make sure Finlay won't fall of the floor. For 8 I'll get the wipes. For 10 I'll even throw it out for you. It's a heck of a deal mommy"-Beth
shouldn't have seen Frozen. Beth has declared her heart is frozen, and refuses to go to bed until we find true love to fix it. So she picks up a bear paw cookie. "I found it! I found it mommy! if I eat it it will work!"
Beth is wandering around going 'step one, two three. CHA CHA CHA' Then finishes it off with a butt wiggle and sticking her hip out...
You may be hardcore-but you'll never be Beth defending her sandcastle building hard core...
My kid is the gollum of the frigging iPad. Its charging on the end table, Felix goes to it "mommy?" Beth Pops out from underneath like a villian "Don't you DARE EVER TOUCH MY PRECIOUS IPAD" and with out blinking, or loosing eye contact slides under the table muttering "don't you ever dare..."
A Beth-ism.....
"Lisa, I cannot smile, my smiles have gone missing."
— with Courtney Smith
No word to a lie, my two year old daughter just walked up to me. Pulled up my shirt, licked my belly and said "Yup baby tastes done" and walked away. Toddlers are gross and weird lol.
Beth is sitting up with me (We both napped five hours today) She looks down, sees my tummy moving and yells "holy crap mommy! Its broken!!!"
Reason 702 to wipe down the lips of the bottles you buy at grocery stores: My toddler licked approx. 15-20 Heinz Ketchup bottles before we caught on to what "mmm so good" meant.

This is just a small piece of what she provides me with. She's super cuddly, and smart. Not to mention potty trained-which TOTALLY ups her I love you factor. She also starts preschool on Monday. My mommy tears are flowing for the big girl she's turning into.  How the HECK did I get so lucky?! She may not be a dignitary, or she might be. She might be a comedian, or not. She might cure cancer, or not. I think that's what's so exciting about her-she leaves you guessing!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Mouse Trap-Mother f-ing, comando version 2014

I have a problem, it involves many legs, sneaky snack attacks, and it shits in odd places-and no I'm not pregnant again.

Let me start at the beginning, I came home from a well deserved awesome trip of amazing proportions, and my hubby had pulled out the bins and bags from the van. I noticed something MOVING. it was a cute little field mouse. Now, remember we back out into grassy vastness that is Alberta prairie. So it wasn't unreasonable it had climbed in when they sat out side for an hour or so. so we rehome the shit and carry on.

My trampy kitty, had kittens, and the biggest one is all black, and honestly hes kind of a jack-ass, which is why we call him Jack. We have about a two inch random space at the base of my gas stove, and he has been presiding over it like Gollum of the gas line. I truly believed the little jerk was getting high on my natural gas. Lets be honest, stranger things have happened. Fast forward a few days, and I hear my husband yelp and jump back. THAT MOUSE WAS IN THE DISHES AND HE WENT BEHIND THE STOVE.

With out missing a beat he's in there like marine on a seek and destroy mission. Pulling out the stove with big plans of tracking the little jerk. Lo and Behold, he's been here awhile-trust me it wasn't pretty. So here I am at nearly midnight, bleaching the hell out of my house, and hoping for the best.

I've posted asking for tips on getting rid of these furry minions of doom. Fearful people would judge me over the internet. However the tips I received were great-with everything from zest soap, to snap traps, to just setting my place on fire. I'm trying them all-well except the arson.  If the zest works, I'm buying out the company I swear.

Do you think my kids would freak if mommy went in and cleaned out their room while they slept?