Monday, December 8, 2014

You have a tattoo? Whats the meaning?

Saturday night I finally went out. In our modern main stream non-conformists age, I have discovered the newest bonding lines. "oh you have a tattoo? Whats its meaning? oh WOW, you have THREE?! where else?' Insert creepy grin, and a finger slide up the arm. 

Don't get me wrong I love tattoo's-the culture, the intimate experience of finding a talented artist. finding new and creative ways to display my coolness. In fact I'm so obsessed with tattooing, that I became friends with my artist to blatantly abuse her skills a midst Tim Horton's coffee and giggles. in fact she has a freaking awesome deal here. Make sure to give her a happy birthday, and tell her I sent you. 

Fast forward a couple hours, and I make a journey into the ladies room. There are two ladies, in various states of undress explaining the various meanings of their work. no word to a lie here is the conversation I heard

"no, listen, just listen, no. Listen This one-are you listening? This one means, FAMILY, in my heritage this means FAMILY. I'm polish so I know, my grandfather told me." (please note, I'm sure she meant of Polish decent, as I can assure you there was no accent.)
"omg thats, thats, just-so-yea, you're DEEP. I mean who loves FAMILY that much? You and I love you for it girl." Starts sniffing a bit. "I really you know love that you wear yourself on your arms, this one is for my ex husband-he cheated on me (couldn't hear the rest so I'm taking creative liberty) With my half sister, who just got out of rehab, she's fat and has (here's where I could hear again after my tinkling porcelain  chores) NO TATTOOS. I MEAN I WAS SO GENUINE WITH HIM" 

This is where I decide to step in, as a good friend, and fellow woman-to fuck with them.
Me-"oh hey love the ink" 
This is where she re-did oh hey, listen.
Now this time through this I made a horrified face, made sure she saw it and then said "Yes OF COURSE, it means family. Good for you sweety." And I start to walk away. 
Girl 2-"WAIT, whats that face for, she's being genuine"
Me-"Well I speak polish (I don't) and it says Chicken face, I'm so sorry but I think your grand dad was messing with you." 
"no, no way. OMG no, I think you're right" insert panicked sobs here. This is where my toilet phone magic happened. So I pull out my phone. And show her the fucked up screen shot of google translate, making sure to have CHICKEN FACE, zoomed in on, Any sober person would have IMMEDIATELY would have noticed, the two words don't even look remotely alike, but alas she was half a sheet away from falling over. This is where I hugged her and walked away. 

Remember ladies and gents, for every intense personal reason for your tattoo-just like in the rest of life, there's someone willing to fuck with your feelings in the ladies room, after a potty break. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I have some exciting SCENTSY NEWS!

HA, made you look.

I have so many friends, family, and acquaintances that sell this product. Now don't get me wrong, I to love the damn stuff. I'm addicted to how I can change the scent of my home to match my mood. All with a 15 minute procedure of dumping, and wiping out the wax, while trying not to burn your fingers. Love the stuff.

Around this time of year, or any big season change, I see recipes to mix an match your scents. Back to the mood setting thing-We all know how my moods are so here's a recipe selection and blurb that I feel all will love. I've used some spring/summer scents because its what I have on hand...

I hereby give scentsy permission to rock this awesomeness...I'll take free crap.

Cozy fireside+Winter pine: this is how I imagine my house would smell if those 50 year old lights finally caught fire. I'm calling it Break in Gone Wrong 

Two Harbors: I bought this, because when you glance at the name just right it looks like two hobos, and it kind of smells like it :/

Two Harbors Hobos+Rio Beach:  This is what snooki smells like, I can tell through my computer.

Silver Bells + Salted Caramel Cupcake + Route 66: This is what I imagine is the smell of my lady porn, while I'm eating cupcakes in hiding. Silver Balls, and a dirty dude leaving when we're done with him. yes WE ARE DONE WITH HIM. I call it, Workin it up the ladder.

Simply Nenshi Pear + Zen Garden: This is what I imagine Mayor Nenshi of Calgary smells like. slightly fruity, but calming at the same time. I vote we call this Nenshi Niceties. 

Eskimo Kiss + Autumn Blaze Maple: to all my American friends, this is what having sex in Canada smells like. Frozen glitter and Maple syrup. This shall be dubbed All the way in Canada

My dear Watson + Vanilla Suede: The ultimate in hipster man. The mix of another man, and yet a third participant. All combined with the stench of unwashed organic vegan mermaid wool. This is just call Meh.

Simply Cinnamon + Atlas Cedar + Iced Pine: This is jumping on the flannel bearded sexiness that is lumber-sexual. mmmm Lumber-Sent-Sual.

My Dear Watson + Simply Vanilla:  This is hipster dahva. (Not diva, this chick is more natural and less demanding of glitter-but her sustainability requests makes you wonder what "sun tea" really is) She matches her hipster man, but the only difference is instead of vegan mermaid wool. Its mixed with the scent of old Victorian taxidermy pieces found in flea markets. this is Eau Meh.

Frosted Ginger Cookie + White Tea & Cactus: This is what middle class moms smell like, With their lattes, and yoga pants. The white Tea & Cactus reminds us she pays to much money for freeze dried food, and wine. Where the Cookie reminds of of the stash behind the toilet. MMM toilet cookies-hey no shame ladies, I eat cupcakes on the crapper...This is WannaMILF?

Neverland + Happy Birthday: This is what Michael Jackson AND Peter Pans house smells like, Lure them in with promises of cake. Sweet Sweet Cake. May I introduce Suppression.  I'm also considering Did she really just post that garbage? 

All of "scentsy man" + A wink and a smile: This is a mix of poor decisions and high heels. I'm calling this Walk of Shame.  Please note, burn WannaMILF? in another room to receive the full effect of developed world mommy hood.

I think this is enough to get us started here are a couple links to awesome consultants.