Tuesday, December 31, 2013

F-you super organic super foods. F-you VERY much.

The rule in my house is you eat what I cook. I'm not a restaurant, and I"m do tired and to lazy to hear you don't like it AGAIN. The BIGGEST joke that makes me go broke? Is super foods, not just any but organic grains, beans, veggies. We even have a store that will deliver to your door so you can be assure you're receiving the best local produce there is. Don't ask me which company-For what I paid-$70.00 it wasn't any where NEAR enough for my family of five and half to have enough veggies for the week. THE WEEK. So that's done. 

I live in a community where the mommy boards are EXPLODING with why you need this, that. Avoid the next thing. I mean these women are PASSIONATE about what we are consuming. To the point where I swear I log on, they can SMELL the yeast extract, and cancer causing hot dogs seeping from my children's pores. 

And "Read this article, by some granola doctor who lost his licence, and now grows organic safflower, and the energy forces of the universe gave him ALL this knowledge." 

oh and my favourite "Child protective services should take your kids away for those chicken fingers. Do you know what they're made of? PLASTIC DOG POOP AND BUBONIC PLAGUE. Don't you love your kids you whore?" (No one actually said this but I imagine someone out there is DYING to)

Block post any one?

All posted and shared by some faceless Facebook matron of eternal knowledge. I hate her, never met her. You know who I'm talking about. Hate. Her.  I buy this crap in an attempt to fit in-um I mean keep my family healthy and prevent cancer. And to be popular with women I've never met. 

Here is a list of 50 super foods to pursue at your leisure. I"m going to address the ones that I pay to much money for. And choke down...

1: Quinoa: Gluten free, cooks like rice. High in fiber & protein. Should be great right? WRONG it smells like barn yard dirt when it cooks. But that's the "nutty flavour" that's so beloved by all. 

2: Chia Seeds: yes the stuff from the CHA CHA CHIA PETS. It becomes gelatinous like snot when wet. It soaks up water and binds. And its that binding that clears the bad crap from your system. Flavourless-it looks like snot. The gross kind you can't get rid of. That clings. Enough said

3: Kale: Its green, crunchy large leaf. You HAVE to cook it-or use your $1500.00 blender to mash it into smoothies. Apparently its great as chips? the texture makes me gag. Its enough to get on my shit list. 

4: Water: Necessary for life. Okay I LOVE water drink tonnes of it. My problem? its NOT free. Its included in my city bills. and costs WAY to much. Stupid city.

5: I'm bored with this list and  my kid is screaming. Just know all of this annoys me. And I can't make it taste delicious if I covered it sparklers and chocolate. My kids will look at me and ask "What the hell did you do to my chocolate?" 

Monday, December 30, 2013

Tale of Murder Most Foul-and its almost Canabilistic.

My oldest daughter is seven. Full of wonderment, questions, and a warm heart for all things living. Its normally a good thing. She applies human characteristics to animals and intimate objects alike. Its a wonderful habit to have. No genocide or weird conversations with her. They're always wonderfully full of imagination, and games of he said/she said, all with names, personalities.

Santa bought her and her sister a Sea Monkey kit. So basically someone-I'm guessing drunk and watching his kids to close to the water.  A man-simply because only a man would come up with this crap-looked at brine shrimp and went wow they reproduce SOOOO easily, and are kind of gross. lets breed them in clear glass or plastic jars and sell them. Some poor sucker will buy this. Get this-we're going to call them  MONKEYS. BAHAHAHAHA.

So with some daddy daughter time, a week ago they "dissolve the magic powder" (eggs) in the water and wait for them to hatch. These gross things hatch and start swimming around. As per the smiling sea monkey princess instructions they're by the window, on the kitchen table. I'm in my room pretending to nap-no that's NOT the punch line. I hear "MURDERER, YOU KILLED THEM. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?" Insert heart filled sobs here.
"mmm Nummy nummy. Waaaahhh ter mummy?" (Everyone is mummy right now with him by the way)

He did it, killed all the sea monkeys. Well not all jsut enough that we're thoroughly disgusted. And unfortunately we're going to let him get away with it. My poor bug cried for an hour. "I named them ALL, ALL OF THEM MOM!"

At least he had a serving of protein?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I wonder where they get it from?

Two days ago I ran out of diapers. Crap. I had to load up all four kids in PJ's and stinky butts, and I needed to buy diapers. Deep breath, we loaded up and off we went. Everyone was-get this LISTENING. So I do two emergency tush changes in the van and load them back up. Now what to do with the rest of the day? Laundry? Dishes? Christmas baking? Nope I'm already on the crazy train, we're going for breakfast. A full fledged sit down breakfast at Ricky's.

I order us a big meal to split (I call it a US serving. Four pan cakes, sausages, eggs, bacon etc...you get the idea). They coloured quietly, told silly jokes, ate their meal. I was amazing and thrilled with them. An older gentleman approached the table. I had been nursing the baby-with no cover. To be honest I was gearing up for a fight. "Miss (I'm young and don't wear a wedding band...because I'm preggo fat still) Your children are wonderful, and extremely well behaved"
"Thank you sir, Merry Christmas" This is where it gets um sketchy? My oldest chimes in. Remember she's seven-so every word is VERY clear.
"We're granting daddy his Christmas wish sir. I'm trying to help so mommy doesn't loose her shit. He asked me special this morning before work.  Then She doesn't have to yell so much" here have another pancake. Put the entire thing in your mouth and Stop. Talking.

Fast forward to today. Christmas Day. I'm in my room nursing the baby-family is everywhere. Kids are shrieking, the house is full of happiness. I finishing feeding Mr. Fish, burping him. And I get to thinking. Lions eat baby zebra's. Or sick and dying ones. Boy that would suck. Being eaten-especially if you were a baby. Darling husband interrupts my train of though "Whats up honey? You have your thinking face on"

(By the way I look constipated when I concentrate to hard)

"Do you think cavemen fed their babies to animals. I mean if they were being chased?  I guess in theory you could always make another one. Did they like babies like we do? Did you know it was considered in Elizabethan England that you didn't have a soul until you were full grown. So children don't have souls"

Fuck, and I wonder where my kids get it from.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Guess who's back!

Wow, I go on an unintended hiatus for three months, and I shoot past 4000 page views like a boss! Thank you friends you're amazing!

I went into hiding, shut down and out. I decided to find out why I was so energetically exhausted all the time. Mid-pregnancy, after moving into a new house, and working funny hours. The news shook my world and my family's world. Not a lot of people know this about me-but I have been battling what I thought was an unreasonable amount of depression for a very, very long time. Anxiety attacks that were becoming more and more frequent. Not only at home but in public.  In the spirit of Internet over sharing-intense thoughts of suicide.  At this point, not only was I scaring myself-and my children, it was embarrassing not having an answer or explanation as to why this was happening. So with visits with doctors, blood tests, and councillors I had something, an answer-with a prescription.

I was diagnosed Bi-Polar II. The two means I'm not SUPER crazy-just crazy enough to make note worthy. I'm not violent in my mania-just more energetic. Apparently painting an entire house while 9 months pregnant isn't just "nesting" and not "normal behaviour" (pregnancy number 3 by the way). Spending until we have nothing left isn't normal either.

There are lots of other note worthy events that aided in this conclusion. The long and short of it-we had an answer. I wasn't dying. I just very honestly-at times-can not control how my brain works. I needed time to process what this meant and what my coping mechanisms are going to be. This gave us an answer, and provided substance and mass to a largely unseen picture into who I am. It has been shocking, eye opening and terrifying. It has shown us gaping holes in our mental health systems, and stereo types we didn't know existed. We were handed this and essentially had to re frame our thinking. I am going to have it forever, its not situational depression, or a hormone imbalance. Now we very much have a new me, to learn how to deal with.

Most importantly it handed my beautiful, amazing, husband and I some frame work. I wasn't intentionally putting this strain on us-we could now figure out where to go and what to do with in our relationship, and ensuring we could now continue to understand one another.

So this is why I went missing-I was looking for myself! Thank you friends for waiting it out with me!