Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A long time ago

Once, a long time ago, I wrote a story. In high school, we were told to write a story-anything the teacher said, what ever you feel, write what you know. I read it to the class (we all had to) and I was never looked at the same way again. By child, and adult alike.

It was morbid. Scary. I was into things like that.

Its about a girl, in an institution. Haunted by a demon (he was described in detail in the story), he makes her do things-nothing horrible or un mentionable. But destroys everything she is on the inside. It makes her conflict, and rage. Be silent and still. To still. She hurts herself. Until the anger that no one is listening makes her act. Her reaction is extreme, and she kills those who try to help her. She can't see that they're trying to help. She's hurt for so long. And no one, not the demon, or her doctors will let her rest. She's tired. And with most cases of intense exhaustion can no longer control her behaviour. When she's done killing everyone around her, she kills herself. She regrets all the things she's done to these people. Every second of every day, and the demon inside her head has turned into a reminder system. A blinking light of all the wrong she's done. In her last thought (also the ending of the short story) is reprieve, and silence of her mind. Nothing. Finally. And she forgives herself. Then black emptiness.

I had to meet with the school guidance counsellor. And talk to the teacher. I never wrote a fictionalized story again. The part that scared them, wasn't a morbid warning against demon possession. It was a cry to fear other's minds. Or your own. It depends on how you were feeling that day.

I burned it-remember I was 16 and dramatic. And never mentioned it again. I never wrote a story again.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I wasn't a very good mother today...

Today kind of sucked, big time. It was super hot out. There was a massive load of dishes, and in my estimation 50 loads of laundry. I lost it. I was angry, hot, and still recovering from being ill.

There were toys all over, snack wrappers on the couch, spilled milk. And I took it out on the kids. Not in a scary evil way, but an everyone with in a 10 kilometer radius knows I'm pretty PO'd. Including my husband.  Because I called him at work. And told him. Loudly.

A friend called, just as I was hitting the peak, and I spilled my guts, my original bitchy plan was met with a "how old are you again?" So off to the mall I went, with a passive middle finger to the chores of the day, I decided the kids and I needed air-conditioning, and ice cream.

An hour or so later we're walking, and I'm chatting with Keeley. Sweet precious Keeley that named our newest addition. "Mom you're the bestest in the world. Know why? you buy Ice cream to say sorry. Because earlier, you weren't the best"
at this point I'm gearing up for another fight-WHAT?! you have food, and too many toys...REALLY?!
She continued on in her I'm going to ignore mom way "But that's okay, because you can try again tomorrow. You can even try again later if you want to. You can even try the day after tomorrow"
"Where did you come up with that?"
"You told me, its okay to be angry. But you have to apologize if you hurt someone, and then try again later to be good and obedient. So you can try again tomorrow."

Boy am I glad she pays attention to my shiny moments.

She's right, its an excellent plan. I'll try again tomorrow.

Monday, July 1, 2013

New mom warnings-Things to help save the sanity.

Its a baby boom! You would swear it had been a cold fall/winter, and everyone's heat was broken! I've joined a few mom sites, mainly to see the pot be stirred, offer my glowing advice, and judge people with my husband and friends. There are LOTS of first time moms out there. Tonnes! the amount is staggering, and it seems families are getting bigger by the moment. (I wouldn't know a THING about that). Here's some tips to follow if you're asking for advice, tired, or just feel like comparing yourself to other moms

  1. Don't sweat the small stuff. A dirty face, and stained shirt are far less important than you think. Jammies are perfectly acceptable wear for a newborn baby when you leave the house.
  2. Sweat the big stuff like tigger on crack. You know when things are important. If a fever is REALLY high, and baby is lethargic, and not drinking. Don't let someone tell you its not important. If your baby can projectile vomit better than a drunk on st. patty's day. MULTIPLE times a day. Sweat it. You know in your gut what's really important.
  3. Don't ask for advice. But if you must-and you will. Ask someone with the same parenting philosophy as you. If your mother believed in keeping a wooden spoon in every room, and your a pacifist, don't ask her discipline advice. Conversely, if you're a little high strung, and a germa-phobe. Don't ask your hippy friend who believes in cloth diapers, and essential oil therapy how to treat a fever. Her answer is going to make you want to punch her in the throat. And want to call child services.
  4. If your going to do what you want anyway-DON'T ask for any one else's opinion. Ignoring what people say after you seek them out, and blatantly not pay attention to the answer, isn't making them feel like apart of your baby experience. Its rude. If you don't want a different answer don't ask.
  5. You don't HAVE to ask any one, anything-ever.
  6. Enjoy it-I know everyone says it, but this stage is so very very short.
  7. Cuddle your baby as much as you want to
  8. If you need a shower-put the baby down some where safe and shower. ten minutes of a freak out has never hurt you, your hubby, and it WILL NOT hurt the baby. Besides you won't hear it with the water running anyway.
  9. All the books are wrong-ignore them
  10. All the books are right, read a few.
  11. Take what you want out of the books, ignore the stuff you don't like. Get on with your day.
  12. Your SO knows as much-or as little as you. Don't cut them off or out.
  13. You're the only one super concerned about how you look to other moms. We've all been there, bottle, breast, un-washed face, pizza for dinner. What ever it may be. You'll be a lot happier if you realize you're doing the best you can and the other ones can suck it.
  14. You got this!
I know theres a tonne of these lists, but I think its important. If you see, hear, read it all enough you won't be so scared.

Its a beautiful baby...

I realized in this horrid heat, that I never actually posted the results of my ultra sound. I did on FB. And I'm sure that's enough, but to protect the flow of the posts forward on I march-um type.

Baby was VERY co-operative.  Except for the pictures of the spine, but that's okay.

Keeley was very upset that she couldn't be included in the ultra sound. She wanted to be there so very badly. But unfortunately the demands of grade one had her on a leash. So after we found out, Neil and I decided to give her a surprise after school! That way she could find out in her own special way if she was having a brother or sister.

This is what we decided to show her! Isn't it a brilliant idea! She loved it! Now on to the next problem-we were so convinced we were having a girl-despite various old wives tales and tests, we sort of ignored the boys names. Completely.

So there we were, completely undecided. So spur of the moment, we scoured the internet, asked polls, and various other forums. As long as they weren't friends and family-I didn't feel guilty about blatantly dismissing someone's suggestion. Ahh the power of the internet.

We came up with 2 names, Finley Russell or Lennon Russell. We were both VERY 50/50 on both, I had every intention on calling the child either A) Finn or B) Len.
So after much debate, in either direction we decided to ask the oldest sister for her help.

Keeley, you pick is your brother going to be Finley or Lennon?

"Finley. Yup his name is Finley mom" No hesitation or second thought needed thank you very much.
"Why not Lennon?" I was leaning towards Lennon VERY strongly at this point and kicking myself for laying such a heavy important burden on a six year old. I mean what does a six year old know about naming kids. And she hadn't picked my choice and I wanted to know why.

So with a great big sigh, and a glare like I was very clearly thick in the head "You baby is not a lemon mom, Lennon is to sour. Want me to call him Lemon head? I will!"

Umm so new rule in ALL the baby naming books, leave the final decision up to a six year old. Or other aged child who's familiar with play ground name making.

So let me introduce (if the ultra sound was correct!)-

Finley Russell Smith-Due November 8/2013