Tuesday, December 31, 2013

F-you super organic super foods. F-you VERY much.

The rule in my house is you eat what I cook. I'm not a restaurant, and I"m do tired and to lazy to hear you don't like it AGAIN. The BIGGEST joke that makes me go broke? Is super foods, not just any but organic grains, beans, veggies. We even have a store that will deliver to your door so you can be assure you're receiving the best local produce there is. Don't ask me which company-For what I paid-$70.00 it wasn't any where NEAR enough for my family of five and half to have enough veggies for the week. THE WEEK. So that's done. 

I live in a community where the mommy boards are EXPLODING with why you need this, that. Avoid the next thing. I mean these women are PASSIONATE about what we are consuming. To the point where I swear I log on, they can SMELL the yeast extract, and cancer causing hot dogs seeping from my children's pores. 

And "Read this article, by some granola doctor who lost his licence, and now grows organic safflower, and the energy forces of the universe gave him ALL this knowledge." 

oh and my favourite "Child protective services should take your kids away for those chicken fingers. Do you know what they're made of? PLASTIC DOG POOP AND BUBONIC PLAGUE. Don't you love your kids you whore?" (No one actually said this but I imagine someone out there is DYING to)

Block post any one?

All posted and shared by some faceless Facebook matron of eternal knowledge. I hate her, never met her. You know who I'm talking about. Hate. Her.  I buy this crap in an attempt to fit in-um I mean keep my family healthy and prevent cancer. And to be popular with women I've never met. 

Here is a list of 50 super foods to pursue at your leisure. I"m going to address the ones that I pay to much money for. And choke down...

1: Quinoa: Gluten free, cooks like rice. High in fiber & protein. Should be great right? WRONG it smells like barn yard dirt when it cooks. But that's the "nutty flavour" that's so beloved by all. 

2: Chia Seeds: yes the stuff from the CHA CHA CHIA PETS. It becomes gelatinous like snot when wet. It soaks up water and binds. And its that binding that clears the bad crap from your system. Flavourless-it looks like snot. The gross kind you can't get rid of. That clings. Enough said

3: Kale: Its green, crunchy large leaf. You HAVE to cook it-or use your $1500.00 blender to mash it into smoothies. Apparently its great as chips? the texture makes me gag. Its enough to get on my shit list. 

4: Water: Necessary for life. Okay I LOVE water drink tonnes of it. My problem? its NOT free. Its included in my city bills. and costs WAY to much. Stupid city.

5: I'm bored with this list and  my kid is screaming. Just know all of this annoys me. And I can't make it taste delicious if I covered it sparklers and chocolate. My kids will look at me and ask "What the hell did you do to my chocolate?" 

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