Monday, December 23, 2013

Guess who's back!

Wow, I go on an unintended hiatus for three months, and I shoot past 4000 page views like a boss! Thank you friends you're amazing!

I went into hiding, shut down and out. I decided to find out why I was so energetically exhausted all the time. Mid-pregnancy, after moving into a new house, and working funny hours. The news shook my world and my family's world. Not a lot of people know this about me-but I have been battling what I thought was an unreasonable amount of depression for a very, very long time. Anxiety attacks that were becoming more and more frequent. Not only at home but in public.  In the spirit of Internet over sharing-intense thoughts of suicide.  At this point, not only was I scaring myself-and my children, it was embarrassing not having an answer or explanation as to why this was happening. So with visits with doctors, blood tests, and councillors I had something, an answer-with a prescription.

I was diagnosed Bi-Polar II. The two means I'm not SUPER crazy-just crazy enough to make note worthy. I'm not violent in my mania-just more energetic. Apparently painting an entire house while 9 months pregnant isn't just "nesting" and not "normal behaviour" (pregnancy number 3 by the way). Spending until we have nothing left isn't normal either.

There are lots of other note worthy events that aided in this conclusion. The long and short of it-we had an answer. I wasn't dying. I just very honestly-at times-can not control how my brain works. I needed time to process what this meant and what my coping mechanisms are going to be. This gave us an answer, and provided substance and mass to a largely unseen picture into who I am. It has been shocking, eye opening and terrifying. It has shown us gaping holes in our mental health systems, and stereo types we didn't know existed. We were handed this and essentially had to re frame our thinking. I am going to have it forever, its not situational depression, or a hormone imbalance. Now we very much have a new me, to learn how to deal with.

Most importantly it handed my beautiful, amazing, husband and I some frame work. I wasn't intentionally putting this strain on us-we could now figure out where to go and what to do with in our relationship, and ensuring we could now continue to understand one another.

So this is why I went missing-I was looking for myself! Thank you friends for waiting it out with me!

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