Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Survival Techniques of Children DISCOVERED!

Seriously, I have days where I'm certain I didn't raise this crazy, bouncy, blond ferret on crack. Shes lippy, jumpy, hyper, and hilarious. I love her with all I have. I swear, just as I'm fantasizing about shipping her off to the circus as a lion tamer, she does something that saves her hide. Again. So I've started paying attention-and ALL KIDS DO THIS. So pay attention I may not be able to tell you how to cope, but maybe-just maybe with the signs we can all be a bit stronger against their wiles!

  • Slippery Creatures, with the ability to wiggle, slip, slide, glide, drop and escape with the greatest of ease.
By this I mean from the time they are a few months old, wiggling away from a diaper change, until they are four and beyond to wiggle out of your grasp for a talking to, teeth brushing, or a strange need to be constantly naked. They shimmy, shake, and slide down the hallways on stocking feet out of reaching distance...making us look the psycho as well fall to the floor in aged embarrassment. Survival insured-because I don't know about you but it usually hurts when I fall like that.
  • Rapid Growth Rate
Children grow quickly not to ensure an ancient need to escape rabid wolves quickly. But so that they are very soon too big to be sent back from where they came from. Thought that kid hurt coming out? Try putting him back in four years later as he lips off that you can't make him wipe his butt after pooping...
  • Brings Families Back Together
Yes, I can very safely assure you the ONLY reason my mother puts up with my crap is because she loves my kids more than me. I'm okay with it-it just means if I die in a horrible toaster accident she'll take care of them, and better than she took care of me too! Survival occurs again!
  • Ability to tune into the ONE frequency an adult can hear above all other sounds
This is so that if they shriek, cry, giggle, laugh or do a weird honking sound you will always come running. Hurt or not, you'll go. Just to check. Then you find out they're just copying a sound they heard from up stairs a few nights ago...way to go daddy. I hate to say this you can also hear the sounds they make across a parking lot and through a brick wall.
  • Tears with magical properties, that succeed in melting all hearts with in a 100 KM radius.
Really, this is 100% true. Even if they take a dive bomb, front facing leap of faith into a solid oak kitchen table. AFTER you yelled at them to sit down or they're going to get hurt. You can't give them trouble after those tears start falling. You're done, a goner, you're heart is missing and this child is using it to store energy for the next slippery escape.
  • Cute Clothing.
Yes, I went there. I dress my kids like dolls sometimes and I'm okay with it. There are days that I keep them around FOR it. 
  • Teach you to multiply
I know you're thinking a baby teach me MATH? Well you figure out how to multiply the love in your heart pretty quickly when your family gets growing. You learn to multiply your patience. Your budget. the list goes on and on. Especially I noticed-my laughter as increased ten fold.
  • Heart stealing hugs and kisses.
This is the NUMBER ONE WAY they get energy to make good loud escapes, dances, bouncing, singing, jokes, laughing, learning. This is how they learn to get you every time. They melt your heart and leave a drug like trance that keeps you going back for more, and more every day. And the little buggers as they get more efficient at storing this energy will yell NO MOM  YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!

  • Know how to work my computer, radio, pvr, iPod, blackberry etc.
Speaks for its self. this is the only reason she hasn't started her apprenticeship as a lion tamer. I don't have a CLUE what I'm doing on most of these things.

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