Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The leading cause of Death in child bearing women is Suicide.

I have been alone for along time-or so I thought. Until I started finding articles like this and this one here. You'll find them popping up every where lately. Canada has opened the time frame on what is considered "maternal death" from 45 days post partum to 9 months post partum. The results are terrifying. Women are dying because they think they're alone-so are fathers. As it turns out there is a serious issue with PPD among new fathers.

I've been alone, dragging my family down with me for 7 years.  On a spiral of self loathing, fear, anxiety. It came to a head about six months ago. I was in the grocery store, I had a panic attack in line with two full carts. I couldn't breathe, or stop crying. I blacked out. My husband came home from work, and I told him EVERYTHING.

Days when I need to lock myself in a room so I don't hurt myself. Why I call him so much at work, or why I will pack my day so full there is no time to eat much less think. I have a plan, I wish I could say it was "had" but its still there. It has become so bad this time around there have been days when hubby has had to come home so I can sit in a dark and quiet room and calm down. The thoughts are so dark and violent I can feel the need in my joints, my muscles. The need to kill myself all the way to my toes, and in my hair.  Because I don't DESERVE the wonderful gift of my family. They, themselves deserve better-much better than I can give.

I know everyone says "But they screen for it, there is help" In our area there is a serious need for better mental health facilities. It took me 14 weeks to get in to see a psychiatrist. At which point I was told to come in every two weeks. But they're so booked I'm averaging two appointments in three months. Apparently it was long enough to diagnose me as Bipolar II. This means I will be mentally ill for my entire life. Not just for the post partum period.  I was handed drugs to make me feel better. They don't work, the doctor keeps telling me "give it more time" and sends me on my way. So Yes, there is a serious lack of tangible help for women and men who beg every morning to the powers that be-to hit them with a bus.

There is another issue. People who are depressed, suffer from anxiety, PTSD, bipolar don't WANT to talk about it. We've hid in our heads, and are so convinced we deserve this, or are the only ones. So much so, that its nearly impossible to put it into words.  I'll be honest I sought out help because my husband asked me to. I love him to much to watch HIM suffer.

So there it is, when you read those articles. And feel like you can't connect.  Now you know someone who's going through it.

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