Thursday, September 19, 2013

I can't bond with new mom's any more.

At my last midwifery appointment a class called "Birth centering" was brought up AGAIN. It has been brought up every appointment since week 20. Up until last week, I had politely declined. To busy, taekwon do, hubby has to work. A bunch of excuses to avoid a confrontation. Well, I finally let fly why I REALLY didn't want to go. And it wasn't pretty. Now its a "class" to ask questions of other moms, and help alleviate fears about birth, breast feeding, diapering ect...And the all important question-LABOUR.

This time the reasoning "its a great date night for you and hubby to focus on the new addition!" Okay lady let me lay it out for you. This isn't my first rodeo. Nor is this my first home birth-its my third. I can't bond with a new mom.

Now don't get me wrong, being a first time mom is scary, up lifting, emotional, and its unlike anything you will ever go through again. Ever. Its also horrifying, painful, tear filled, mess ridden pile of garbage. That I never, ever want to relive again. And talking about it forces me to relive it, I can't do it-you can't make me. That's why new moms always say "if someone had just  TOLD me." You don't hear about it-because the rest of us are to busy repressing, wiping butts, runny noses, and thanking the good lord above we made it out alive.

So with that in mind-the fact I DO understand the fear and excitement. Here was my response, that I'm honestly surprised didn't get me kicked out of the practice.

How am I suppose to bond with a mother who has full functionality of her bladder still? Are we going to bond over the fact, that as I ran to the bathroom to pee RIGHT NOW-my toddler beat me and decided to sing the ABC's very, VERY slowly, and I peed my pants. That as you sit there telling me because you PLAN on following the "baby whisperer promises the happiest baby on the block" book, your child will sleep through the night by week 6. This after a night where I did nothing but yell at my 6 year old to "go the F back to bed, your hair CAN'T hurt" until 11pm. Or how excited you are to get back to your exercise routine at 6 weeks. And you'll have date nights, because your perfect baby will NOT scream every time someone other than your boob comes near it. Or you're going to "gender neutral parent."

Guess what new mom? Labour hurts, a large moving human being comes out of A) your vag, or B) through major surgery-WHICH you're completely awake. There can be stitches-there WILL be blood. And Guess what else?  You're still going to look pregnant for a couple weeks after baby is born. I'm going to let you in on a secret-you have NO IDEA how you're going to handle it until you're there.

So miss midwife, whom I normally adore. This ISN'T a relaxing date night for me. I have to find and PAY a baby sitter $10/hr on a SCHOOL NIGHT, drive 45 minutes each way to listen to women and men I don't know ask questions I don't want to answer for two hours. Birth IS a secret cult, and a rite of passage. One you will never ever understand until you're standing on the other side going "Huh, so THATS the kind of parent I am."

Here sits the annoying, horrible kicker. Its going to change you-every day, every stage is going to change how you operate, how you motivate, and how you think. There is NO ROOM for sitting down on the job here-so that's why we don't tell new mom's what the deal is. Because we're past it. On to new things we know nothing about.

Now I'm not saying don't be excited, nervous, fearful-or what ever it is you may be feeling. Just understand, that I've lived through it-and I'm not going to relive those frightening days for any one. I have faith you'll get through it, a wiser, stronger woman. You'll surprise yourself with the amount of strength and ability you really do have.

So momma to be, move on from me-I have a dirty tush to wipe!

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