Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Ten Year hump

Its been ten years since I graduated high school. Up until this point I'd thought of it in passing as I look at my kids-thanking the powers to be that I came so far, and feel such love. Then the thought would be gone as another adventure in parenting would come my way.

Today-its come forward and is slapping me with its memories. I was added to a Facebook group-one dedicated to planning the first "reunion" of the class of 2003. I need you to remember the home I share with my husband-is about 3 blocks away from the home I spent those tense teen years in. That same home my mother lives in. My Daughter goes the the elementary school behind the school I graduated from-I have NOT moved far. Just been doing the family thing.

I've stayed friends with the people I LIKED in my high school. And reconnected with others. I'm very happy to have done that. In the last ten years I've made lots of new and great friends-ones that have graduated from the same school in different years. And met some great NEW friends who did graduate the same year. Also lots of people that have moved to my lovely little home city.

High school was not all that enjoyable for me. (Out side of a couple very close friendships, and some great people in other grades). I was teased-a lot. Not many people know that. There was a group of boys that would spit on me every time they walked pass-and it was done 3-4 times a week for the last 2 years of school. I was slipped notes about how I needed to die, and no one loved me. And other various disgusting things that shouldn't have EVER happened. No I won't name names,  do I need to look those people in the face again? They might not even be there. Is it even worth it?

In classic style-I was horrible to others in a fear guided attempt to survive. I can't ever take that back. Just like how I can't make those boys & girls apologize to me and realize what they did.

I can remember walking through halls, and watching all these pretty, smart people laughing. Being horribly jealous of that laughter and enjoyment. I know now I was to terrified, and depressed to do well academically. As silly as it sounds I feel the crushing pressure in my chest thinking about it. It makes it hard to breathe, thinking of those days sometimes.

It has taken a very long while for me to be okay with who I am-weird eating habits, music taste, and all. As childish as the whole thing seems-even to me re-reading the post. I'm terrified of being hated again.
Unless I win a gazillion dollars and can flaunt my wealth I don't think I can go. I'll just keep up the re connections I have.  Hug my babies close, I'm going to tell my husband I love him. And be comfortable about today-and leave living in the past to someone else.

1 comment:

  1. My class never organized a 10 year, they barely scraped together a 15 (I wasn't able to make it).
    In a lot of ways, I feel the same way as you about high school, I had a few good friends, for the most part, I was an outsider. I was the nerd who would do my homework at lunch hour, or on the bus, during my spares. So many times my sisters will ask "do you remember ________" and even after looking them up in my year-books, I still don't know them!
    this year marks 18 years since I graduated! There are a lot of people I don't care to see again, but even more that were acquaintances that I'd like to know what happened to them.
    Even more importantly, there's a part of me that would love to go there, head held high with all the confidence I didn't possess as a teenager and know for once that I really and truly do not care if the "mean kids" like me or not, and get acquainted with everyone else that felt the same way back then. Looking over my FB friends list, there are quite a few people I was NOT friends with then but have become friendly with since - I wonder how many others I'd get along with now? And even more so - the gaps, the girl I had a huge rivalry with in nearly every class and lost touch a year after grad, I wonder where she is now...
    It's easier to attend and leave early than to wish you went the week after...