Oh Conflicting parenting styles, how you make me superior and lacking at the same time...

There always seems to be arguments amongst people (over opinionated, over inter-web educated moms mostly) on different parenting styles. The latest bash/love craze seems to be fully attached parenting.  The battle of the crunch vs. smooth.

Attachment parenting in a nut shell-co-sleeping, extended breast feeding-into 3-4 years some cases, baby carrying, baby led weaning, skipping the mush stage of food prep, cloth diapering, in some cases NO diapering (since this is MY blog I'm gonna say it-YUCK!).  From my various blog/article/study Internet over-educating of myself it seems to be really a love it or hate it sort of undertaking. 

What about those of us in between? The semi-attached? The poor sets of parents who just do whats easiest for their squawk addicted babies who want to sleep with us, but still use the crib in a different room on a regular basis. The moms not whipping a boob out for them right before they head into afternoon preschool? Its this weird sort of limbo that makes it very hard to give a convincing argument in either direction.  We look un-committed and "try-hard". Trend following, vogue wave riding parents so to speak.

I never really breast fed my first I "tried" for about 2 days. My second I happily breast fed until I became pregnant with our 3rd at 8 months. I would have happily done it longer if I felt like holding a squirmy kicky, hyper active 8 month old to my sore nauseated tummy. I always thought I'd try it for the "years" category. Until one faithful day dropping my oldest off at kindergarten. I saw it-the attached mom I did NOT want to be.  She had her four year son in a sling-already made me judge her in a completely unnecessary way. Chatting with her just a little bit, then I noticed, little dude wasn't sick, or sleeping he was hanging out nursing. Just a little boob for snack-then he lifted his head, covered her chest himself and loudly declared "I'm done mommy!"  I was officially VERY uncomfortable.  Didn't help that I had full boob view for about 30 seconds...Too much naked of that one person I did not want to see. Nope, I'm obviously not very attachment that way.

I think I'll just keep doing what I"m doing. Pretending to be "attached" with my co-bedding only until a few months old, then its crib time for babe.  My 12 months (hoping) of breast feeding then they can go hang out at the dinner table.  I'm still in the middle hanging out here, pretending to be crunchy-when in fact I'm just not really all that much.

Why I'm so angry with formula

When I gave birth to Elizabeth I had decided I was going to try REALLY hard to breastfeed. I had taken out books from the library and even bought the ones I knew I'd refrence in the future. So the initial period of discomfort passed as we learned to latch, and how to read her cues. I was very excited we were off. Except something was wrong-she wasn't gaining weight, actually she was loosing-rapidly. After an inital weight gain she had droped back down to just a few ounces over her birth weight at four months of age. She threw up. ALOT. it was kinda her thing, but the problem was her thing could kill her if we didn't get in to see a pediatritian soon.

After many strings pulled and a visit to the Calgary Childrens Hospital we were in, the first thing the doctor did? Told me to suppliment with formula. All my books told me this was wrong, that this is what the formula companies did to brainwash these doctors with samples and "evidence" to create more cash flow. But if I'm so smart of a mother to breast feed and give my oldest whole grains, I'm also mother enough to admit-I'm not a doctor. I took the sample home to try. So I've been pumping and adding the powdered formula to the milk to increase her caloric intake. It was working! Elizabeth was gaining like a champ-5lbs in just over 3 weeks. I was so PISSED OFF.

I had busted my butt to get this kid breastfeeding. and not just feeding, but doing it very WELL. My supply was fine, and here I was a rare case that my breast milk didn't have enough fat. I was and still so resentful. She needs this stuff and I"m angry that shes getting better? Its simple-that pesky annoying emotional bond that the books say Dad gets jealous of. I WANT IT. So badly. and all of sudden hes as pleased as punch to help out-to bad all I could think of was kidney punching him. I wanted to be one of those moms yelling at thier 2 year old to quit playing with her shirt at the park-weird I know but after my early success I had grand plans. Not to mention this put a serious dent in my need to climb upon that exclusive breastfeeding pedistal that raised me above the mere bottle feeders. Shes still throwing up all the time but at least she has a weight gain going-so I should be happy shouldn't I? Thats the next problem to fix.

In the mean time is it wrong of me to take pleasure from her only wanting me in the middle of the night? Since I can't have my exclusive breastfeeding experience I was so crazy about? Things will get better I know, and I should be thankful we have found such an easy solution to her problem.