Hey there, so I've been noticeably absent from well everything. I had a few personal/family things come up that I was unsure of approaching on such a public forum. After much discussion, tears and awkward moments, my husband and I are officially separated.
I know cue the sad music and gallons of ice cream. Really its for the best for our family. Its shocking how our home life has improved since we've shifted over to roommate status. We still parent our kids but mutual expectation is much lower. So there you have it, have babies with your roommate and expect nothing. I've cracked the code!
But this isn't entirely true. Let me tell you a tale of single life in your 30's. I have been chatting online with some interesting people. Gone out to a couple group events. Nothing significant. How ever this tale of woe will reinforce why these outings are important to keep perspective.
I had decided to a good cleaning of my house. I scrubbed my toilets, did a bazillion loads of laundry. and decided to find what was hiding under my bed. Well really I was making it and became curious. I pulled it out from the wall-I'm single now, so my beds against a wall. And looked down. GOLD I'D STRUCK PURE GOLD. I had found a giant bag of unopened glosette raisins. How those nuggets of happiness were spared in my junk food rampage was beyond me. But my discovery just opened up an entire hour of bliss.
I shrieked my joy, slammed my bedroom door shut so as not to have to share. And sat in front of my lap top and pinterested. THEN proceeded to get upset when the cat didn't want to stay in my room for a cuddle. I even realized I hadn't worn a bra in three days. THREE DAYS. and all I cared about was floor chocolate. I then realized my laptop has its own side of the bed. But I didn't care, I have found floor chocolate. The only wrapped thing that truly gets me.
THIS is why I need to get out...
Friday, November 13, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
the memories of my youth
Tonight I came out of work to a familiar smell. The air warming, but still slightly biting. The smell was one of damp grass, and flowing water. The creek behind the fire hall has thawed. It reminded me of a summer night roughly fifteen years ago. Its the night I made my first "grown up" leap of faith.
The apartments, and fire hall were still relatively new. Behind them, vast fields of hay, and mooing cows. Protected from the train tracks by a ten foot chain link fence. That incidentally, had various holes cut out of it by teenagers bent on trouble. I was fourteen.
It was great. I was old enough to do fun things past ten on a Saturday, but not so old as to go hunting for trouble. A friend had her cousin from North of Edmonton come for a visit because his mom was off somewhere with someone.
And he was hers to entertain. She decided he was going to meet and hang out with all her friends. We sat on her third floor balcony, while he played the guitar, she the bass, and I attempted to channel my inner Jewel. Which I have you know, was very cool at the time.
We wandered to the Mac's for banana slurpees while crisscrossing over wooden bridges in the park adjacent to her building. Over the creek, tossing stones, and startling ducks. I looked at him, tall and nearly sixteen, I loved the fact he didn't mind my silly jokes, and thought my super short hair was very cute. Black hair, blue eyes, and he played guitar-see where this is going? We liked the same bands. Garbage, Hole, Edwin, Eminem who was new that year, the Cardigans and all other manner of mid to late 90's bands. He love astronomy, and read rolling stone. He'd read the same biographies as I had, and thought school was a waste of time. It was brilliant.
One night after Rocky Horror picture Show, and little Barber Shop of horrors, My friend had fallen, asleep. I needed to make the long 7 minute trek home, he decided I needed company. We walked, and talked. Both of us turning around and crossing over the creek in various spots. Only to repeat the entire process. My heart wasn't working right, It was beating to hard, but not in the right rhythm. My stomach felt like a hole was trying to open up and swallow all sane thoughts.
On and on we journey'd. Back and forth. We finally stopped on a cute arched bridge to watch the mist float in. The temperature had dropped, and a musk rat was swimming down the creek to the echo of crickets and trains. A meteor shower had started. So, we watched, standing as close to each other as we could with out being obvious.
I don't remember what was said, but I do remember thinking he was very pretty. No boy had ever been prettier in my eyes. I remember the feeling. The nervousness of letting him lean in, and worry on what it would feel like. His mouth was soft, and gentle and he tasted like Dr. Pepper and cool ranch Doritos. That was it, it was done. A few soft movements, and the smell of the night was forever imprinted in my brain, to be reviewed with a smile years later.
It was perfect. Nicholas Sparks couldn't have written it better himself. It was smooth, and gentle. A glimpse into growing up. Proof it wasn't ALL bad.
I never saw him again.
I had run through the entire memory before even starting my car. Ending my Monday with a glowing shimmer.
The apartments, and fire hall were still relatively new. Behind them, vast fields of hay, and mooing cows. Protected from the train tracks by a ten foot chain link fence. That incidentally, had various holes cut out of it by teenagers bent on trouble. I was fourteen.
It was great. I was old enough to do fun things past ten on a Saturday, but not so old as to go hunting for trouble. A friend had her cousin from North of Edmonton come for a visit because his mom was off somewhere with someone.
And he was hers to entertain. She decided he was going to meet and hang out with all her friends. We sat on her third floor balcony, while he played the guitar, she the bass, and I attempted to channel my inner Jewel. Which I have you know, was very cool at the time.
We wandered to the Mac's for banana slurpees while crisscrossing over wooden bridges in the park adjacent to her building. Over the creek, tossing stones, and startling ducks. I looked at him, tall and nearly sixteen, I loved the fact he didn't mind my silly jokes, and thought my super short hair was very cute. Black hair, blue eyes, and he played guitar-see where this is going? We liked the same bands. Garbage, Hole, Edwin, Eminem who was new that year, the Cardigans and all other manner of mid to late 90's bands. He love astronomy, and read rolling stone. He'd read the same biographies as I had, and thought school was a waste of time. It was brilliant.
One night after Rocky Horror picture Show, and little Barber Shop of horrors, My friend had fallen, asleep. I needed to make the long 7 minute trek home, he decided I needed company. We walked, and talked. Both of us turning around and crossing over the creek in various spots. Only to repeat the entire process. My heart wasn't working right, It was beating to hard, but not in the right rhythm. My stomach felt like a hole was trying to open up and swallow all sane thoughts.
On and on we journey'd. Back and forth. We finally stopped on a cute arched bridge to watch the mist float in. The temperature had dropped, and a musk rat was swimming down the creek to the echo of crickets and trains. A meteor shower had started. So, we watched, standing as close to each other as we could with out being obvious.
I don't remember what was said, but I do remember thinking he was very pretty. No boy had ever been prettier in my eyes. I remember the feeling. The nervousness of letting him lean in, and worry on what it would feel like. His mouth was soft, and gentle and he tasted like Dr. Pepper and cool ranch Doritos. That was it, it was done. A few soft movements, and the smell of the night was forever imprinted in my brain, to be reviewed with a smile years later.
It was perfect. Nicholas Sparks couldn't have written it better himself. It was smooth, and gentle. A glimpse into growing up. Proof it wasn't ALL bad.
I never saw him again.
I had run through the entire memory before even starting my car. Ending my Monday with a glowing shimmer.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Thats not a girl sport!
My oldest daughter is in Taekwon do-she has been in the sport since she was four. So enough time that we are aware she will be seeing this through for an extended period of time. It is a generally male dominated sport, however girls and women are taking over. More women are joining as white belts, and more moms are putting their daughters in. For self defense, self worth, health, and affordability.
Essentially, for our family-it worked. She had fun, was good at it and was looking forward to each class.
The last few weeks she has been dragging her feet and refusing to practice. She's fallen a bit behind in her stubbornness in the subject. She's not even paying attention in class. Its the most remarkable thing, the 180 in her attitude. So in typical way I demanded to know what was up.
After much dragging, and out right threats it comes out
"Mom why don't I dance?"
"You hate it, we tried. You cried before every class" (I'd like to note she was 7 so we'd really tried-she could pick dance or Taekwon do)
"But-the kids at school say girls do girl sports, like dance or gymnastics. Boys do Taekwon do, or karate"
"That's crap if a girl does it its a girl sport, if a boy does it its a boy sport. So you can actually do what ever you want to do"
After more conversation with her-these girls (yes GIRLS). Have told her she's not REALLY a girl if she does these things, and won't be friends with her if she keeps going. THEY WON'T BE FRIENDS WITH HER. At 8 they've drawn their gender bias and were sticking by it. The lines of battle were drawn-do what they say or she can be ostracized. An outcast amongst the girly elite of grade three.
The child is EIGHT YEARS OLD, and she's being told to define who she is as a person by a group of girls her age with antiquated ideals. The only way these kids would have been aware of this stereo type is if they had been taught it from a young age.
My daughter is the girl who has played zombie hunter with the same group of kids since September-a group with boys and girls. A child who loves skirts, glitter, and video games.
I decided the talk it out method the school was so fond of wasn't working. So I told her she could say this one thing once with my blessing. ONCE that's it.
"Kiss my ass, I do what I want"
Guess who received an email from her teacher today-and guess who's daughter came home happy for the first time in weeks.
We win.
Essentially, for our family-it worked. She had fun, was good at it and was looking forward to each class.
The last few weeks she has been dragging her feet and refusing to practice. She's fallen a bit behind in her stubbornness in the subject. She's not even paying attention in class. Its the most remarkable thing, the 180 in her attitude. So in typical way I demanded to know what was up.
After much dragging, and out right threats it comes out
"Mom why don't I dance?"
"You hate it, we tried. You cried before every class" (I'd like to note she was 7 so we'd really tried-she could pick dance or Taekwon do)
"But-the kids at school say girls do girl sports, like dance or gymnastics. Boys do Taekwon do, or karate"
"That's crap if a girl does it its a girl sport, if a boy does it its a boy sport. So you can actually do what ever you want to do"
After more conversation with her-these girls (yes GIRLS). Have told her she's not REALLY a girl if she does these things, and won't be friends with her if she keeps going. THEY WON'T BE FRIENDS WITH HER. At 8 they've drawn their gender bias and were sticking by it. The lines of battle were drawn-do what they say or she can be ostracized. An outcast amongst the girly elite of grade three.
The child is EIGHT YEARS OLD, and she's being told to define who she is as a person by a group of girls her age with antiquated ideals. The only way these kids would have been aware of this stereo type is if they had been taught it from a young age.
My daughter is the girl who has played zombie hunter with the same group of kids since September-a group with boys and girls. A child who loves skirts, glitter, and video games.
I decided the talk it out method the school was so fond of wasn't working. So I told her she could say this one thing once with my blessing. ONCE that's it.
"Kiss my ass, I do what I want"
Guess who received an email from her teacher today-and guess who's daughter came home happy for the first time in weeks.
We win.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
all the thoughts that could use a post of their own.
I love a good empowering quote. One with no apologies, and simple, straight forward messages. They warm my heart. Get me pumped up and ready to bring forth the awesome.
I'm going to ramble on here, and hope it all makes sense. Perhaps it will come together in a cohesive piece. if not, scroll on and I'll try again next week.
-you don't have to apologize, ever. You don't have to sit down in my make up chair and say "I'm sorry about my *insert facial feature you're unhappy with*" You're beautiful and perfect the way you are. Confidence, is far sexier, than any thing I can do with a brush-ever. Confidence brings with it certainty, and an ability to move forward. That is what a glow is. Bronzer can't do that.
-You don't ever have to change, and no one should tell you so. If you want to change, go ahead. I have your back. But do it because you need to-not because I need you to.
-I am not a woman hater, or anti feminism activist because I do make up. Make up is a tool, and like all tools can be used for good and evil. It can be used to create confidence, match your mood. Can show exactly how you're feeling, or hide whats going on. It helps people make it through their day, whether be it a wedding, photo shoot, a meeting. Or discovering exactly who you are. It goes back to that "no apologies" thing. You don't have to explain or apologize to me-and I don't have to check in with you.
-Equality is a right, not a privilege. Where there are men, women, and children receiving sub par treatment, denied basic rights, and access to medical care. NONE OF US are equal. Our cage may be wider, and more gilded. But it is still a cage.Women and men deserve to be paid the same, and make a life choice that makes them happy. Women, amongst each other, deserve to be treated fairly. Shaming each other isn't going to push you further ahead. It gets out, and honestly, no one is a fan of duplicitous people.
-Speak up and share your wisdom, don't be afraid to fight for what you believe in. Don't be afraid to stand up and protect those that need it. However, don't be cruel. there's a difference between fighting for your rights, and the rights of others And deliberately cutting some one, or a group of people down for your gain, and false sense of superiority.
-Being vicious for the sake of "keeping it real" and "Being honest" is a guise for being vicious. Support, understanding, and loyalty will keep it real. Standing up for true hurts, and controlling behavior will keep us all honest.
-You can't ever control the behavior of others, let it go, and move on. With or with out that person. Give yourself permission to heal. There isn't an unwritten universal law where you have to beat yourself to a bloody pulp with the grief, guilt and embarrassment that life can hand you. We all make poor choices, and say thing we shouldn't have. Its okay-if we didn't do these things there would be no way to learn, grow and teach.
-Its alright to hurt and be angry. Use it to strengthen who you are, and your bonds with the people around you. Create new ones. Don't lay down and die. That's not why we're here. Take a stop on the pity train. You need it. But don't unpack your bags and stay there.
This I think is enough for now. This is what's been churning through my mind lately. As I read the news, and the chatter on forums. See why I haven't posted in awhile? I seem crazy! Good thing I'm okay with it.
I'm going to ramble on here, and hope it all makes sense. Perhaps it will come together in a cohesive piece. if not, scroll on and I'll try again next week.
-you don't have to apologize, ever. You don't have to sit down in my make up chair and say "I'm sorry about my *insert facial feature you're unhappy with*" You're beautiful and perfect the way you are. Confidence, is far sexier, than any thing I can do with a brush-ever. Confidence brings with it certainty, and an ability to move forward. That is what a glow is. Bronzer can't do that.
-You don't ever have to change, and no one should tell you so. If you want to change, go ahead. I have your back. But do it because you need to-not because I need you to.
-I am not a woman hater, or anti feminism activist because I do make up. Make up is a tool, and like all tools can be used for good and evil. It can be used to create confidence, match your mood. Can show exactly how you're feeling, or hide whats going on. It helps people make it through their day, whether be it a wedding, photo shoot, a meeting. Or discovering exactly who you are. It goes back to that "no apologies" thing. You don't have to explain or apologize to me-and I don't have to check in with you.
-Equality is a right, not a privilege. Where there are men, women, and children receiving sub par treatment, denied basic rights, and access to medical care. NONE OF US are equal. Our cage may be wider, and more gilded. But it is still a cage.Women and men deserve to be paid the same, and make a life choice that makes them happy. Women, amongst each other, deserve to be treated fairly. Shaming each other isn't going to push you further ahead. It gets out, and honestly, no one is a fan of duplicitous people.
-Speak up and share your wisdom, don't be afraid to fight for what you believe in. Don't be afraid to stand up and protect those that need it. However, don't be cruel. there's a difference between fighting for your rights, and the rights of others And deliberately cutting some one, or a group of people down for your gain, and false sense of superiority.
-Being vicious for the sake of "keeping it real" and "Being honest" is a guise for being vicious. Support, understanding, and loyalty will keep it real. Standing up for true hurts, and controlling behavior will keep us all honest.
-You can't ever control the behavior of others, let it go, and move on. With or with out that person. Give yourself permission to heal. There isn't an unwritten universal law where you have to beat yourself to a bloody pulp with the grief, guilt and embarrassment that life can hand you. We all make poor choices, and say thing we shouldn't have. Its okay-if we didn't do these things there would be no way to learn, grow and teach.
-Its alright to hurt and be angry. Use it to strengthen who you are, and your bonds with the people around you. Create new ones. Don't lay down and die. That's not why we're here. Take a stop on the pity train. You need it. But don't unpack your bags and stay there.
This I think is enough for now. This is what's been churning through my mind lately. As I read the news, and the chatter on forums. See why I haven't posted in awhile? I seem crazy! Good thing I'm okay with it.
Monday, December 8, 2014
You have a tattoo? Whats the meaning?
Saturday night I finally went out. In our modern main stream non-conformists age, I have discovered the newest bonding lines. "oh you have a tattoo? Whats its meaning? oh WOW, you have THREE?! where else?' Insert creepy grin, and a finger slide up the arm.
Don't get me wrong I love tattoo's-the culture, the intimate experience of finding a talented artist. finding new and creative ways to display my coolness. In fact I'm so obsessed with tattooing, that I became friends with my artist to blatantly abuse her skills a midst Tim Horton's coffee and giggles. in fact she has a freaking awesome deal here. Make sure to give her a happy birthday, and tell her I sent you.
Fast forward a couple hours, and I make a journey into the ladies room. There are two ladies, in various states of undress explaining the various meanings of their work. no word to a lie here is the conversation I heard
"no, listen, just listen, no. Listen This one-are you listening? This one means, FAMILY, in my heritage this means FAMILY. I'm polish so I know, my grandfather told me." (please note, I'm sure she meant of Polish decent, as I can assure you there was no accent.)
"omg thats, thats, just-so-yea, you're DEEP. I mean who loves FAMILY that much? You and I love you for it girl." Starts sniffing a bit. "I really you know love that you wear yourself on your arms, this one is for my ex husband-he cheated on me (couldn't hear the rest so I'm taking creative liberty) With my half sister, who just got out of rehab, she's fat and has (here's where I could hear again after my tinkling porcelain chores) NO TATTOOS. I MEAN I WAS SO GENUINE WITH HIM"
This is where I decide to step in, as a good friend, and fellow woman-to fuck with them.
Me-"oh hey love the ink"
This is where she re-did oh hey, listen.
Now this time through this I made a horrified face, made sure she saw it and then said "Yes OF COURSE, it means family. Good for you sweety." And I start to walk away.
Girl 2-"WAIT, whats that face for, she's being genuine"
Me-"Well I speak polish (I don't) and it says Chicken face, I'm so sorry but I think your grand dad was messing with you."
"no, no way. OMG no, I think you're right" insert panicked sobs here. This is where my toilet phone magic happened. So I pull out my phone. And show her the fucked up screen shot of google translate, making sure to have CHICKEN FACE, zoomed in on, Any sober person would have IMMEDIATELY would have noticed, the two words don't even look remotely alike, but alas she was half a sheet away from falling over. This is where I hugged her and walked away.
Remember ladies and gents, for every intense personal reason for your tattoo-just like in the rest of life, there's someone willing to fuck with your feelings in the ladies room, after a potty break.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
I have some exciting SCENTSY NEWS!
HA, made you look.
I have so many friends, family, and acquaintances that sell this product. Now don't get me wrong, I to love the damn stuff. I'm addicted to how I can change the scent of my home to match my mood. All with a 15 minute procedure of dumping, and wiping out the wax, while trying not to burn your fingers. Love the stuff.
Around this time of year, or any big season change, I see recipes to mix an match your scents. Back to the mood setting thing-We all know how my moods are so here's a recipe selection and blurb that I feel all will love. I've used some spring/summer scents because its what I have on hand...
I hereby give scentsy permission to rock this awesomeness...I'll take free crap.
Cozy fireside+Winter pine: this is how I imagine my house would smell if those 50 year old lights finally caught fire. I'm calling it Break in Gone Wrong
Two Harbors: I bought this, because when you glance at the name just right it looks like two hobos, and it kind of smells like it :/
Two Harbors Hobos+Rio Beach: This is what snooki smells like, I can tell through my computer.
Silver Bells + Salted Caramel Cupcake + Route 66: This is what I imagine is the smell of my lady porn, while I'm eating cupcakes in hiding. Silver Balls, and a dirty dude leaving when we're done with him. yes WE ARE DONE WITH HIM. I call it, Workin it up the ladder.
Simply Nenshi Pear + Zen Garden: This is what I imagine Mayor Nenshi of Calgary smells like. slightly fruity, but calming at the same time. I vote we call this Nenshi Niceties.
Eskimo Kiss + Autumn Blaze Maple: to all my American friends, this is what having sex in Canada smells like. Frozen glitter and Maple syrup. This shall be dubbed All the way in Canada
My dear Watson + Vanilla Suede: The ultimate in hipster man. The mix of another man, and yet a third participant. All combined with the stench of unwashed organic vegan mermaid wool. This is just call Meh.
Simply Cinnamon + Atlas Cedar + Iced Pine: This is jumping on the flannel bearded sexiness that is lumber-sexual. mmmm Lumber-Sent-Sual.
My Dear Watson + Simply Vanilla: This is hipster dahva. (Not diva, this chick is more natural and less demanding of glitter-but her sustainability requests makes you wonder what "sun tea" really is) She matches her hipster man, but the only difference is instead of vegan mermaid wool. Its mixed with the scent of old Victorian taxidermy pieces found in flea markets. this is Eau Meh.
Frosted Ginger Cookie + White Tea & Cactus: This is what middle class moms smell like, With their lattes, and yoga pants. The white Tea & Cactus reminds us she pays to much money for freeze dried food, and wine. Where the Cookie reminds of of the stash behind the toilet. MMM toilet cookies-hey no shame ladies, I eat cupcakes on the crapper...This is WannaMILF?
Neverland + Happy Birthday: This is what Michael Jackson AND Peter Pans house smells like, Lure them in with promises of cake. Sweet Sweet Cake. May I introduce Suppression. I'm also considering Did she really just post that garbage?
All of "scentsy man" + A wink and a smile: This is a mix of poor decisions and high heels. I'm calling this Walk of Shame. Please note, burn WannaMILF? in another room to receive the full effect of developed world mommy hood.
I think this is enough to get us started here are a couple links to awesome consultants.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Guess who's BACK. And covered in eye goop
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Friday, September 5, 2014
My Ode to Elizabeth Margaret Ruth
Do you know who that name even belongs to? That beautiful, classic, graceful name, full of influence, and promise of great things in the future. A little girl that was so tiny, and so very sick for the first year of her life. I remember holding her in the children's hospital, at four months old. and she wasn't even her birth weight. Knowing, in a mother's instinctual way, if we didn't get help-she was dying.
That was then, and now she's so awesome, she's been attached to a certain type of behaviour and mannerism. A word was created-I didn't even come up with it! You wonder people refer to it-as a Beth-Ism.
So here is my ode, to the magical Bitty Beth-well that's what I used to call her-now we just call her REALLY?!
That was then, and now she's so awesome, she's been attached to a certain type of behaviour and mannerism. A word was created-I didn't even come up with it! You wonder people refer to it-as a Beth-Ism.
So here is my ode, to the magical Bitty Beth-well that's what I used to call her-now we just call her REALLY?!
Beth cut her finger today, and she was sitting on the floor, letting a kitten lick the wound. "BETH! That's gross, what on earth are you doing?"
"Giving her a taste for human blood momma."
Seriously? the heck?
"Giving her a taste for human blood momma."
Seriously? the heck?
shouldn't have seen Frozen. Beth has declared her heart is frozen, and refuses to go to bed until we find true love to fix it. So she picks up a bear paw cookie. "I found it! I found it mommy! if I eat it it will work!"
Beth is wandering around going 'step one, two three. CHA CHA CHA' Then finishes it off with a butt wiggle and sticking her hip out...
You may be hardcore-but you'll never be Beth defending her sandcastle building hard core...http://wannabenaturalmommy.blogspot.ca/2014/01/still-want-toddler-one-day.html
My kid is the gollum of the frigging iPad. Its charging on the end table, Felix goes to it "mommy?" Beth Pops out from underneath like a villian "Don't you DARE EVER TOUCH MY PRECIOUS IPAD" and with out blinking, or loosing eye contact slides under the table muttering "don't you ever dare..."
A Beth-ism.....
"Lisa, I cannot smile, my smiles have gone missing."
— with Courtney Smith
"Lisa, I cannot smile, my smiles have gone missing."
No word to a lie, my two year old daughter just walked up to me. Pulled up my shirt, licked my belly and said "Yup baby tastes done" and walked away. Toddlers are gross and weird lol.
Beth is sitting up with me (We both napped five hours today) She looks down, sees my tummy moving and yells "holy crap mommy! Its broken!!!"
Reason 702 to wipe down the lips of the bottles you buy at grocery stores: My toddler licked approx. 15-20 Heinz Ketchup bottles before we caught on to what "mmm so good" meant.
This is just a small piece of what she provides me with. She's super cuddly, and smart. Not to mention potty trained-which TOTALLY ups her I love you factor. She also starts preschool on Monday. My mommy tears are flowing for the big girl she's turning into. How the HECK did I get so lucky?! She may not be a dignitary, or she might be. She might be a comedian, or not. She might cure cancer, or not. I think that's what's so exciting about her-she leaves you guessing!
This is just a small piece of what she provides me with. She's super cuddly, and smart. Not to mention potty trained-which TOTALLY ups her I love you factor. She also starts preschool on Monday. My mommy tears are flowing for the big girl she's turning into. How the HECK did I get so lucky?! She may not be a dignitary, or she might be. She might be a comedian, or not. She might cure cancer, or not. I think that's what's so exciting about her-she leaves you guessing!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Mouse Trap-Mother f-ing, comando version 2014
I have a problem, it involves many legs, sneaky snack attacks, and it shits in odd places-and no I'm not pregnant again.
Let me start at the beginning, I came home from a well deserved awesome trip of amazing proportions, and my hubby had pulled out the bins and bags from the van. I noticed something MOVING. it was a cute little field mouse. Now, remember we back out into grassy vastness that is Alberta prairie. So it wasn't unreasonable it had climbed in when they sat out side for an hour or so. so we rehome the shit and carry on.
My trampy kitty, had kittens, and the biggest one is all black, and honestly hes kind of a jack-ass, which is why we call him Jack. We have about a two inch random space at the base of my gas stove, and he has been presiding over it like Gollum of the gas line. I truly believed the little jerk was getting high on my natural gas. Lets be honest, stranger things have happened. Fast forward a few days, and I hear my husband yelp and jump back. THAT MOUSE WAS IN THE DISHES AND HE WENT BEHIND THE STOVE.
With out missing a beat he's in there like marine on a seek and destroy mission. Pulling out the stove with big plans of tracking the little jerk. Lo and Behold, he's been here awhile-trust me it wasn't pretty. So here I am at nearly midnight, bleaching the hell out of my house, and hoping for the best.
I've posted asking for tips on getting rid of these furry minions of doom. Fearful people would judge me over the internet. However the tips I received were great-with everything from zest soap, to snap traps, to just setting my place on fire. I'm trying them all-well except the arson. If the zest works, I'm buying out the company I swear.
Do you think my kids would freak if mommy went in and cleaned out their room while they slept?
Let me start at the beginning, I came home from a well deserved awesome trip of amazing proportions, and my hubby had pulled out the bins and bags from the van. I noticed something MOVING. it was a cute little field mouse. Now, remember we back out into grassy vastness that is Alberta prairie. So it wasn't unreasonable it had climbed in when they sat out side for an hour or so. so we rehome the shit and carry on.
My trampy kitty, had kittens, and the biggest one is all black, and honestly hes kind of a jack-ass, which is why we call him Jack. We have about a two inch random space at the base of my gas stove, and he has been presiding over it like Gollum of the gas line. I truly believed the little jerk was getting high on my natural gas. Lets be honest, stranger things have happened. Fast forward a few days, and I hear my husband yelp and jump back. THAT MOUSE WAS IN THE DISHES AND HE WENT BEHIND THE STOVE.
With out missing a beat he's in there like marine on a seek and destroy mission. Pulling out the stove with big plans of tracking the little jerk. Lo and Behold, he's been here awhile-trust me it wasn't pretty. So here I am at nearly midnight, bleaching the hell out of my house, and hoping for the best.
I've posted asking for tips on getting rid of these furry minions of doom. Fearful people would judge me over the internet. However the tips I received were great-with everything from zest soap, to snap traps, to just setting my place on fire. I'm trying them all-well except the arson. If the zest works, I'm buying out the company I swear.
Do you think my kids would freak if mommy went in and cleaned out their room while they slept?
Thursday, May 29, 2014
I didnt realize i was a feminist...
It has been a rather long time since my last post-my kids toasted my lap top. by dumping milk on it. So I'm using my husbands computer, and since the kids try to break HIS key board, things like apostrophe, quotes, and other such necessary things don't work...YAY!
Any way there was a recent shooting in California, where a young man posted a video on you tube, threatening to ~kill those blond bitches~ that wouldn't have sex with him. You can read the story here. Not surprisingly I have seen different posts in regards to the shooting, his mental capacity, if only he had been paid attention to. And how people are speaking out on social media, feeling sorry for him. Laci Green has a fantastic video on the topic of sexual entitlement with men-and some women.
Also in the not so distant pass, over 200 Nigerian girls were taken. Specifically from a Christian school, to be wed, or sold into the sex trade. Already updates, are fewer and fewer. The social media fueled fever cooling for the newest cause. I know you're already tired of me hounding on old news, but I promise there is a point.
These are all cases of people feeling entitled to the sexuality of women. A lean towards a belief where sure you can choose only SOME things, but not all, and only with my permission. These are the actions of men trying to gain control of women, and their actions. The idea, that a woman who doesn't submit is a danger, and not worth keeping around.
This is so engrained into our cultural subconscious it took theses articles and happenings to come to my attention to realize its even with in easy view of my seven year old. She recently asked where babies come from, not where but the HOW. the nuts and bolts, so I told her. Using proper words, and no sugar coating. There she sat beside me making faces, and looking like she was going to vomit. she asks me:
~Mom, I don't HAVE to do that right?
~No sweetie you don't.
~but what if my husband wants me to?
~you really don't have to do anything you don't want to honey. Even if you're married, and love them
~but I have to, to keep him happy right? do what he says?
~Honey, your vagina, is YOUR vagina, as is your whole entire body. you don't ever have to share that with anyone. Who ever TELLS you, that you HAVE to is wrong. and you don't want to be with a person who cant listen to that any way.
~oh thank god!
So even at 7.5 the idea that she has to provide for her man (or woman) is so engrained into her, she understood the concept before sex-ed. When I asked her what made her think that, she went on about the TV shows, movies, and commercials she sees. She wants to be pretty and loved like those women.
This is so prevalent, that a child-my child understands, that what a man (or woman) provides, she is required to pay. some how. This worries me, what if one day she decides that her father and I were wrong and there is only one way? She is already going to be facing enough hurdles in her life because of her gender. Things like unrealistic body issues, gender equality in the work place, sexual harassment. She's blessed in where she lives, she doesn't need to worry about me selling her for pennies. I believe we need more women for women-not just the mommy wars, but the chance for every girl to become a woman and MAKE the choices she has a right to. Including, to have children or not, breast feed, work, not work, practice her religion, go to school, or not.
The idea that these choices are being denied, simply because of gender infuriates me. Or the thought of you can choose if you pay me some how. So that's why I am a feminist-the right to choose. I'm not a man hater-if I was I wouldn't have four kids. You never know where the next big idea, solution, or cure will come from, and people are willingly disregarding an entire gender. Our battle isn't over yet ladies...
Any way there was a recent shooting in California, where a young man posted a video on you tube, threatening to ~kill those blond bitches~ that wouldn't have sex with him. You can read the story here. Not surprisingly I have seen different posts in regards to the shooting, his mental capacity, if only he had been paid attention to. And how people are speaking out on social media, feeling sorry for him. Laci Green has a fantastic video on the topic of sexual entitlement with men-and some women.
Also in the not so distant pass, over 200 Nigerian girls were taken. Specifically from a Christian school, to be wed, or sold into the sex trade. Already updates, are fewer and fewer. The social media fueled fever cooling for the newest cause. I know you're already tired of me hounding on old news, but I promise there is a point.
These are all cases of people feeling entitled to the sexuality of women. A lean towards a belief where sure you can choose only SOME things, but not all, and only with my permission. These are the actions of men trying to gain control of women, and their actions. The idea, that a woman who doesn't submit is a danger, and not worth keeping around.
This is so engrained into our cultural subconscious it took theses articles and happenings to come to my attention to realize its even with in easy view of my seven year old. She recently asked where babies come from, not where but the HOW. the nuts and bolts, so I told her. Using proper words, and no sugar coating. There she sat beside me making faces, and looking like she was going to vomit. she asks me:
~Mom, I don't HAVE to do that right?
~No sweetie you don't.
~but what if my husband wants me to?
~you really don't have to do anything you don't want to honey. Even if you're married, and love them
~but I have to, to keep him happy right? do what he says?
~Honey, your vagina, is YOUR vagina, as is your whole entire body. you don't ever have to share that with anyone. Who ever TELLS you, that you HAVE to is wrong. and you don't want to be with a person who cant listen to that any way.
~oh thank god!
So even at 7.5 the idea that she has to provide for her man (or woman) is so engrained into her, she understood the concept before sex-ed. When I asked her what made her think that, she went on about the TV shows, movies, and commercials she sees. She wants to be pretty and loved like those women.
This is so prevalent, that a child-my child understands, that what a man (or woman) provides, she is required to pay. some how. This worries me, what if one day she decides that her father and I were wrong and there is only one way? She is already going to be facing enough hurdles in her life because of her gender. Things like unrealistic body issues, gender equality in the work place, sexual harassment. She's blessed in where she lives, she doesn't need to worry about me selling her for pennies. I believe we need more women for women-not just the mommy wars, but the chance for every girl to become a woman and MAKE the choices she has a right to. Including, to have children or not, breast feed, work, not work, practice her religion, go to school, or not.
The idea that these choices are being denied, simply because of gender infuriates me. Or the thought of you can choose if you pay me some how. So that's why I am a feminist-the right to choose. I'm not a man hater-if I was I wouldn't have four kids. You never know where the next big idea, solution, or cure will come from, and people are willingly disregarding an entire gender. Our battle isn't over yet ladies...
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Stupid Bread Box
Oh what is this bread box for?
When all the bread, is on the table. Pushed aside-to and fro.
What the fuck is this bread box for?
Why have a cutlery drawer?
When the toddler throws it all on the floor
The baby is crying
Because I have breasts,
And all he wants is to be glued to my chest
Breakfast food for dinner
Our special treat.
3 plates, 3 waffles, 6 bacon, 3 sausage link
3 milk, then on to my cold plate
No bacon left.
The last sausage looks like a penis
HA, penis. No adult to laugh with me.
My daughter thinks I'm fucking crazy.
Tripping on toys
Might break my face
I'll look far less tired
than now with mascara streaked cheeks. (no bacon, and a newly broken face remember?)
What the fuck is the toy box for?
Marker, marker every where,
On the couch, the wall and somehow-in her hair.
No place for me to sit
3 loaves of bread are in my way
Oh what the fuck was that bread box for anyway?
When all the bread, is on the table. Pushed aside-to and fro.
What the fuck is this bread box for?
Why have a cutlery drawer?
When the toddler throws it all on the floor
The baby is crying
Because I have breasts,
And all he wants is to be glued to my chest
Breakfast food for dinner
Our special treat.
3 plates, 3 waffles, 6 bacon, 3 sausage link
3 milk, then on to my cold plate
No bacon left.
The last sausage looks like a penis
HA, penis. No adult to laugh with me.
My daughter thinks I'm fucking crazy.
Tripping on toys
Might break my face
I'll look far less tired
than now with mascara streaked cheeks. (no bacon, and a newly broken face remember?)
What the fuck is the toy box for?
Marker, marker every where,
On the couch, the wall and somehow-in her hair.
No place for me to sit
3 loaves of bread are in my way
Oh what the fuck was that bread box for anyway?
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Shit Happens...
So I went on a mall mission with a friend today. I was a woman on a mission. Determined in my destination. The mall is a ten minute drive-door to door. So its really not that far off-unless you have a baby. After the mission was accomplished, Mr. Man decides he needs to be fed NOW. So off to the coffee shop we go, I grab an iced coffee with a muffin, sit down and whip out a boob. Good thing he's so noisy when he drinks-or I'd be worried we WOULDN'T be noticed.
Grunt, cough, strain, groan PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTPPPPPTTTT. (Thats internet speak for massive baby fart). Sigh, and he keeps going. I bring him up for a burping. He's cooing, looking around, and has decided to make up for his VERY loud declaration of hunger earlier.
Just then-PFFFFFFTTTPPPPPPTTTSSSSSPPPPPPPTTT. But this time-its different, its creeping up his back, in plain sight. Up high enough for me to realize-I've left the diaper bag in the van. With the diapers and means for cleaning him up. I look down and see a mark on my hand, while chatting away, I with all the confidence of a fourth time mom-lick my hand.
My friend jokingly says "Be careful what you lick there with that mess of his!"
I reply "Oh its just ice coffee." But here's the thing I'm not 100% confident it was. In fact, I'm now trying to bullshit my way through eating shit. I go on, buy him a sleeper and some diapers. Change him, and come home.
So remember shit happens, all the way up to your hair some times. And sometimes all you can do, is go through life with a shit eating grin.
Grunt, cough, strain, groan PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTPPPPPTTTT. (Thats internet speak for massive baby fart). Sigh, and he keeps going. I bring him up for a burping. He's cooing, looking around, and has decided to make up for his VERY loud declaration of hunger earlier.
Just then-PFFFFFFTTTPPPPPPTTTSSSSSPPPPPPPTTT. But this time-its different, its creeping up his back, in plain sight. Up high enough for me to realize-I've left the diaper bag in the van. With the diapers and means for cleaning him up. I look down and see a mark on my hand, while chatting away, I with all the confidence of a fourth time mom-lick my hand.
My friend jokingly says "Be careful what you lick there with that mess of his!"
I reply "Oh its just ice coffee." But here's the thing I'm not 100% confident it was. In fact, I'm now trying to bullshit my way through eating shit. I go on, buy him a sleeper and some diapers. Change him, and come home.
So remember shit happens, all the way up to your hair some times. And sometimes all you can do, is go through life with a shit eating grin.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Conversations with my Family-And the hunch no one takes me seriously
This morning, getting Keke ready for school. Bugging her about something small and insignificant.
Keeley: you're the only one who thinks you're funny mom.
Me: I agree. Everyone else thinks I'm HILARIOUS.
Keeley: isn't that the same thing? A lie?
Trying to run myself a "relaxing" bath, hours after Beth is SUPPOSED to be in bed...
Elizabeth: Mommy why you have a bath, is your butt stinky?
me: Yup stinky butt, get out of the bathroom
E: Mommy do you use lots of soap on your stinky butt?
m: Lots, get out.
E: Mommy is Fimlee (Finlay) still in your belly? Is that why its round? Did they cut Fimlee out with scissors?
M: No he's in the living room, and No, mommy pushed him out of her vagina. NEIL (hubby) COME GET YOUR DAUGHTER
E: HOLY SHIT, YOUR POOR GINA!
I'm now IN the tub, with out an Elizabeth commentary.
Neil: Here's your tea.
Me: Thank you, I'm so lucky to have you
Neil: Yes, you are.
Me: Excuse you? don't I get a subtle demure, an act of humble, a surprise of your apparent awesome
Neil: No, have you seen my package? There's no need for airs.
And this friends is why I'm every so slightly off...look at what I participate in.
Keeley: you're the only one who thinks you're funny mom.
Me: I agree. Everyone else thinks I'm HILARIOUS.
Keeley: isn't that the same thing? A lie?
Trying to run myself a "relaxing" bath, hours after Beth is SUPPOSED to be in bed...
Elizabeth: Mommy why you have a bath, is your butt stinky?
me: Yup stinky butt, get out of the bathroom
E: Mommy do you use lots of soap on your stinky butt?
m: Lots, get out.
E: Mommy is Fimlee (Finlay) still in your belly? Is that why its round? Did they cut Fimlee out with scissors?
M: No he's in the living room, and No, mommy pushed him out of her vagina. NEIL (hubby) COME GET YOUR DAUGHTER
E: HOLY SHIT, YOUR POOR GINA!
I'm now IN the tub, with out an Elizabeth commentary.
Neil: Here's your tea.
Me: Thank you, I'm so lucky to have you
Neil: Yes, you are.
Me: Excuse you? don't I get a subtle demure, an act of humble, a surprise of your apparent awesome
Neil: No, have you seen my package? There's no need for airs.
And this friends is why I'm every so slightly off...look at what I participate in.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Still want a Toddler one day?
Setting the scene: Quiet toddlers (warning sign number one). Hubby and I watching TV, and surfing our perspective internet sites.
Beth: Boy I like building sand castles
Daddy: (Neither of us looking up )Oh yea? You like sandcastles eh?
Beth: yup, so squishy, I like the wet bits
Daddy: (still not looking up) So fun isn't it? Wait-what wet bits?
Beth: mmm its Crunchy.
Daddy: GET OUT OF THERE, THATS POOP AND PEE. GO WASH YOUR HANDS NOW.
Beth: NO, NO I WILL NEVER WASH MY HANDS STOP IT. NEVER EVER.
Daddy advances on the little lady, she backs up-and lets out a blood curdling scream.
"NO YOU'RE HURTING MY FEELING, NO STOP IT I WON'T WASH NOTHING, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. STOP HITTING ME SO HARD (he was NOT hitting her, he was wiping her hands with a cloth at this point) NO DON'T YOU EVER DARE! PUT ME DOWN, I DO MY OWN SELF FATHER."
I'm laughing so hard, I'm of absolutely no use to any one-ever.
Monday, January 13, 2014
We all need prayers.
I'm part of a due date/mommy Facebook group. I found the link through an on-line baby website. I don't know all of these women who share so much, so far apart. However, they have become an integral part of my support system. Typed words of encouragement or reality that help me through my day.
This global support system is a prime example of the positives of social networking. Any bullying or drama promptly squashed energizing and breathing life into a supportive, loving space. Even if only through wifi.
Some of these women need our prayers and support. So I'm reaching out to my friends and family, to widen the net of thoughts, hope, and strength.
One woman, shortly after Christmas, in her home in Australia. Her partner lost his battle with depression and took his own life. She found him in their shed. She and the daughter left behind need so much more than we know. I hope and pray he found his happiness, and I hope he's in a better position to watch over them.
Yesterday, another wonderful lady. Lost her son Enrique to heart failure. He was only a few months old. The heart breaking sorrow of loosing a child has touched her life. She also needs everyone. Even if she can't say it.
These women have helped me find my blessing and strength. We need your help please.
Thank you internet family and friends, for all you do.
This global support system is a prime example of the positives of social networking. Any bullying or drama promptly squashed energizing and breathing life into a supportive, loving space. Even if only through wifi.
Some of these women need our prayers and support. So I'm reaching out to my friends and family, to widen the net of thoughts, hope, and strength.
One woman, shortly after Christmas, in her home in Australia. Her partner lost his battle with depression and took his own life. She found him in their shed. She and the daughter left behind need so much more than we know. I hope and pray he found his happiness, and I hope he's in a better position to watch over them.
Yesterday, another wonderful lady. Lost her son Enrique to heart failure. He was only a few months old. The heart breaking sorrow of loosing a child has touched her life. She also needs everyone. Even if she can't say it.
These women have helped me find my blessing and strength. We need your help please.
Thank you internet family and friends, for all you do.
Doin' it All backwards.
My wonderful husband hooked me up with a set of three books. Compilations of humorous mommy blog posts. I LOVE them. They make me laugh, so damn hard. And give me hope for the future. I've noticed some things all these people seem to have in common.
So I figured it out, I forgot to live my twenties full of dreams, and hopes for my future self, and gorgeous children. I haven't paid my dues so to speak. I just spread 'em and pop 'em out like pez. I figure you find a talent and you stick with it. I'm doin' it all backwards. Babies first. Education, savings, dumb purchases later.
I'll be honest I don't WANT to pay any dues, I want to be funny and popular NOW. I wish for all the awesome and fun to be handed to me with grand fanfare. A parade will do-maybe two. With a case of wine, and everyone laughing at my jokes, emulating my style. One day, I'll get there. Just you wait and see.
In the mean time here is a list of blogs I enjoy.
Baby Sideburns
howtobeadad.com
Mom's Who Drink and Swear
People I want To Punch in the Throat
and finally-Sleep Talkin Man
Jeeze is any one surprised I enjoy these with main titles as such?
Have fun reading friends!
- They're all writers by profession-I don't even have time to take a crap much less go to school. So I'll never be the "professional blogger."
- They are in their late thirties, to early forties. Now I don't know what it says about me, to relate to someone who is at a minimum 10 years older than me. I like to think its because I'm eternally wise beyond my years. Or perhaps an old soul come to spread my ever bubbly and brilliant personality and wisdom.
- I'm no where near as funny as I think I am. There's nothing like well established blogs with thousands of likes to come to that soul crushing realization.
- They are FAR more capable of navigating inter-web space. I can't make my own meme to save my life. I JUST figured out you can receive private messages on twitter. Who am I kidding, I just figured out how to "follow" people on twitter.
So I figured it out, I forgot to live my twenties full of dreams, and hopes for my future self, and gorgeous children. I haven't paid my dues so to speak. I just spread 'em and pop 'em out like pez. I figure you find a talent and you stick with it. I'm doin' it all backwards. Babies first. Education, savings, dumb purchases later.
I'll be honest I don't WANT to pay any dues, I want to be funny and popular NOW. I wish for all the awesome and fun to be handed to me with grand fanfare. A parade will do-maybe two. With a case of wine, and everyone laughing at my jokes, emulating my style. One day, I'll get there. Just you wait and see.
In the mean time here is a list of blogs I enjoy.
Baby Sideburns
howtobeadad.com
Mom's Who Drink and Swear
People I want To Punch in the Throat
and finally-Sleep Talkin Man
Jeeze is any one surprised I enjoy these with main titles as such?
Have fun reading friends!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
F-you super organic super foods. F-you VERY much.
The rule in my house is you eat what I cook. I'm not a restaurant, and I"m do tired and to lazy to hear you don't like it AGAIN. The BIGGEST joke that makes me go broke? Is super foods, not just any but organic grains, beans, veggies. We even have a store that will deliver to your door so you can be assure you're receiving the best local produce there is. Don't ask me which company-For what I paid-$70.00 it wasn't any where NEAR enough for my family of five and half to have enough veggies for the week. THE WEEK. So that's done.
I live in a community where the mommy boards are EXPLODING with why you need this, that. Avoid the next thing. I mean these women are PASSIONATE about what we are consuming. To the point where I swear I log on, they can SMELL the yeast extract, and cancer causing hot dogs seeping from my children's pores.
"WHAT COURTNEY SMITH?!?!?! DID YOU KNOW....."
And "Read this article, by some granola doctor who lost his licence, and now grows organic safflower, and the energy forces of the universe gave him ALL this knowledge."
oh and my favourite "Child protective services should take your kids away for those chicken fingers. Do you know what they're made of? PLASTIC DOG POOP AND BUBONIC PLAGUE. Don't you love your kids you whore?" (No one actually said this but I imagine someone out there is DYING to)
"Wait, no, no NOOOOOOO. NOT ANOTHER FLOODING OF USELESS ARTICLES BY HIPPIES"
Block post any one?
All posted and shared by some faceless Facebook matron of eternal knowledge. I hate her, never met her. You know who I'm talking about. Hate. Her. I buy this crap in an attempt to fit in-um I mean keep my family healthy and prevent cancer. And to be popular with women I've never met.
Here is a list of 50 super foods to pursue at your leisure. I"m going to address the ones that I pay to much money for. And choke down...
1: Quinoa: Gluten free, cooks like rice. High in fiber & protein. Should be great right? WRONG it smells like barn yard dirt when it cooks. But that's the "nutty flavour" that's so beloved by all.
2: Chia Seeds: yes the stuff from the CHA CHA CHIA PETS. It becomes gelatinous like snot when wet. It soaks up water and binds. And its that binding that clears the bad crap from your system. Flavourless-it looks like snot. The gross kind you can't get rid of. That clings. Enough said
3: Kale: Its green, crunchy large leaf. You HAVE to cook it-or use your $1500.00 blender to mash it into smoothies. Apparently its great as chips? the texture makes me gag. Its enough to get on my shit list.
4: Water: Necessary for life. Okay I LOVE water drink tonnes of it. My problem? its NOT free. Its included in my city bills. and costs WAY to much. Stupid city.
5: I'm bored with this list and my kid is screaming. Just know all of this annoys me. And I can't make it taste delicious if I covered it sparklers and chocolate. My kids will look at me and ask "What the hell did you do to my chocolate?"
Monday, December 30, 2013
Tale of Murder Most Foul-and its almost Canabilistic.
My oldest daughter is seven. Full of wonderment, questions, and a warm heart for all things living. Its normally a good thing. She applies human characteristics to animals and intimate objects alike. Its a wonderful habit to have. No genocide or weird conversations with her. They're always wonderfully full of imagination, and games of he said/she said, all with names, personalities.
Santa bought her and her sister a Sea Monkey kit. So basically someone-I'm guessing drunk and watching his kids to close to the water. A man-simply because only a man would come up with this crap-looked at brine shrimp and went wow they reproduce SOOOO easily, and are kind of gross. lets breed them in clear glass or plastic jars and sell them. Some poor sucker will buy this. Get this-we're going to call them MONKEYS. BAHAHAHAHA.
So with some daddy daughter time, a week ago they "dissolve the magic powder" (eggs) in the water and wait for them to hatch. These gross things hatch and start swimming around. As per the smiling sea monkey princess instructions they're by the window, on the kitchen table. I'm in my room pretending to nap-no that's NOT the punch line. I hear "MURDERER, YOU KILLED THEM. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?" Insert heart filled sobs here.
Then I hear her dad chime in. "FELIX GET DOWN FROM THERE IF YOU'RE THIRSTY ASK FOR A DRINK"
"mmm Nummy nummy. Waaaahhh ter mummy?" (Everyone is mummy right now with him by the way)
He did it, killed all the sea monkeys. Well not all jsut enough that we're thoroughly disgusted. And unfortunately we're going to let him get away with it. My poor bug cried for an hour. "I named them ALL, ALL OF THEM MOM!"
At least he had a serving of protein?
Santa bought her and her sister a Sea Monkey kit. So basically someone-I'm guessing drunk and watching his kids to close to the water. A man-simply because only a man would come up with this crap-looked at brine shrimp and went wow they reproduce SOOOO easily, and are kind of gross. lets breed them in clear glass or plastic jars and sell them. Some poor sucker will buy this. Get this-we're going to call them MONKEYS. BAHAHAHAHA.
So with some daddy daughter time, a week ago they "dissolve the magic powder" (eggs) in the water and wait for them to hatch. These gross things hatch and start swimming around. As per the smiling sea monkey princess instructions they're by the window, on the kitchen table. I'm in my room pretending to nap-no that's NOT the punch line. I hear "MURDERER, YOU KILLED THEM. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?" Insert heart filled sobs here.
Then I hear her dad chime in. "FELIX GET DOWN FROM THERE IF YOU'RE THIRSTY ASK FOR A DRINK"
"mmm Nummy nummy. Waaaahhh ter mummy?" (Everyone is mummy right now with him by the way)
He did it, killed all the sea monkeys. Well not all jsut enough that we're thoroughly disgusted. And unfortunately we're going to let him get away with it. My poor bug cried for an hour. "I named them ALL, ALL OF THEM MOM!"
At least he had a serving of protein?
Thursday, December 26, 2013
I wonder where they get it from?
Two days ago I ran out of diapers. Crap. I had to load up all four kids in PJ's and stinky butts, and I needed to buy diapers. Deep breath, we loaded up and off we went. Everyone was-get this LISTENING. So I do two emergency tush changes in the van and load them back up. Now what to do with the rest of the day? Laundry? Dishes? Christmas baking? Nope I'm already on the crazy train, we're going for breakfast. A full fledged sit down breakfast at Ricky's.
I order us a big meal to split (I call it a US serving. Four pan cakes, sausages, eggs, bacon etc...you get the idea). They coloured quietly, told silly jokes, ate their meal. I was amazing and thrilled with them. An older gentleman approached the table. I had been nursing the baby-with no cover. To be honest I was gearing up for a fight. "Miss (I'm young and don't wear a wedding band...because I'm preggo fat still) Your children are wonderful, and extremely well behaved"
"Thank you sir, Merry Christmas" This is where it gets um sketchy? My oldest chimes in. Remember she's seven-so every word is VERY clear.
"We're granting daddy his Christmas wish sir. I'm trying to help so mommy doesn't loose her shit. He asked me special this morning before work. Then She doesn't have to yell so much" here have another pancake. Put the entire thing in your mouth and Stop. Talking.
Fast forward to today. Christmas Day. I'm in my room nursing the baby-family is everywhere. Kids are shrieking, the house is full of happiness. I finishing feeding Mr. Fish, burping him. And I get to thinking. Lions eat baby zebra's. Or sick and dying ones. Boy that would suck. Being eaten-especially if you were a baby. Darling husband interrupts my train of though "Whats up honey? You have your thinking face on"
(By the way I look constipated when I concentrate to hard)
"Do you think cavemen fed their babies to animals. I mean if they were being chased? I guess in theory you could always make another one. Did they like babies like we do? Did you know it was considered in Elizabethan England that you didn't have a soul until you were full grown. So children don't have souls"
Fuck, and I wonder where my kids get it from.
I order us a big meal to split (I call it a US serving. Four pan cakes, sausages, eggs, bacon etc...you get the idea). They coloured quietly, told silly jokes, ate their meal. I was amazing and thrilled with them. An older gentleman approached the table. I had been nursing the baby-with no cover. To be honest I was gearing up for a fight. "Miss (I'm young and don't wear a wedding band...because I'm preggo fat still) Your children are wonderful, and extremely well behaved"
"Thank you sir, Merry Christmas" This is where it gets um sketchy? My oldest chimes in. Remember she's seven-so every word is VERY clear.
"We're granting daddy his Christmas wish sir. I'm trying to help so mommy doesn't loose her shit. He asked me special this morning before work. Then She doesn't have to yell so much" here have another pancake. Put the entire thing in your mouth and Stop. Talking.
Fast forward to today. Christmas Day. I'm in my room nursing the baby-family is everywhere. Kids are shrieking, the house is full of happiness. I finishing feeding Mr. Fish, burping him. And I get to thinking. Lions eat baby zebra's. Or sick and dying ones. Boy that would suck. Being eaten-especially if you were a baby. Darling husband interrupts my train of though "Whats up honey? You have your thinking face on"
(By the way I look constipated when I concentrate to hard)
"Do you think cavemen fed their babies to animals. I mean if they were being chased? I guess in theory you could always make another one. Did they like babies like we do? Did you know it was considered in Elizabethan England that you didn't have a soul until you were full grown. So children don't have souls"
Fuck, and I wonder where my kids get it from.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Guess who's back!
Wow, I go on an unintended hiatus for three months, and I shoot past 4000 page views like a boss! Thank you friends you're amazing!
I went into hiding, shut down and out. I decided to find out why I was so energetically exhausted all the time. Mid-pregnancy, after moving into a new house, and working funny hours. The news shook my world and my family's world. Not a lot of people know this about me-but I have been battling what I thought was an unreasonable amount of depression for a very, very long time. Anxiety attacks that were becoming more and more frequent. Not only at home but in public. In the spirit of Internet over sharing-intense thoughts of suicide. At this point, not only was I scaring myself-and my children, it was embarrassing not having an answer or explanation as to why this was happening. So with visits with doctors, blood tests, and councillors I had something, an answer-with a prescription.
I was diagnosed Bi-Polar II. The two means I'm not SUPER crazy-just crazy enough to make note worthy. I'm not violent in my mania-just more energetic. Apparently painting an entire house while 9 months pregnant isn't just "nesting" and not "normal behaviour" (pregnancy number 3 by the way). Spending until we have nothing left isn't normal either.
There are lots of other note worthy events that aided in this conclusion. The long and short of it-we had an answer. I wasn't dying. I just very honestly-at times-can not control how my brain works. I needed time to process what this meant and what my coping mechanisms are going to be. This gave us an answer, and provided substance and mass to a largely unseen picture into who I am. It has been shocking, eye opening and terrifying. It has shown us gaping holes in our mental health systems, and stereo types we didn't know existed. We were handed this and essentially had to re frame our thinking. I am going to have it forever, its not situational depression, or a hormone imbalance. Now we very much have a new me, to learn how to deal with.
Most importantly it handed my beautiful, amazing, husband and I some frame work. I wasn't intentionally putting this strain on us-we could now figure out where to go and what to do with in our relationship, and ensuring we could now continue to understand one another.
So this is why I went missing-I was looking for myself! Thank you friends for waiting it out with me!
I went into hiding, shut down and out. I decided to find out why I was so energetically exhausted all the time. Mid-pregnancy, after moving into a new house, and working funny hours. The news shook my world and my family's world. Not a lot of people know this about me-but I have been battling what I thought was an unreasonable amount of depression for a very, very long time. Anxiety attacks that were becoming more and more frequent. Not only at home but in public. In the spirit of Internet over sharing-intense thoughts of suicide. At this point, not only was I scaring myself-and my children, it was embarrassing not having an answer or explanation as to why this was happening. So with visits with doctors, blood tests, and councillors I had something, an answer-with a prescription.
I was diagnosed Bi-Polar II. The two means I'm not SUPER crazy-just crazy enough to make note worthy. I'm not violent in my mania-just more energetic. Apparently painting an entire house while 9 months pregnant isn't just "nesting" and not "normal behaviour" (pregnancy number 3 by the way). Spending until we have nothing left isn't normal either.
There are lots of other note worthy events that aided in this conclusion. The long and short of it-we had an answer. I wasn't dying. I just very honestly-at times-can not control how my brain works. I needed time to process what this meant and what my coping mechanisms are going to be. This gave us an answer, and provided substance and mass to a largely unseen picture into who I am. It has been shocking, eye opening and terrifying. It has shown us gaping holes in our mental health systems, and stereo types we didn't know existed. We were handed this and essentially had to re frame our thinking. I am going to have it forever, its not situational depression, or a hormone imbalance. Now we very much have a new me, to learn how to deal with.
Most importantly it handed my beautiful, amazing, husband and I some frame work. I wasn't intentionally putting this strain on us-we could now figure out where to go and what to do with in our relationship, and ensuring we could now continue to understand one another.
So this is why I went missing-I was looking for myself! Thank you friends for waiting it out with me!
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